For as long as I can remember, I've always been really mindful (putting it nicely) of my weight. And when I say weight of course what I really mean is body fat and problem areas because everyone knows, that the heavier you are the fatter you are, right?! I'm being sarcastic because I know it sounds stupid when I type that out, but I also know that when I say it in my head it seems like the most factual statement...
The reason I'm writing this post, is because with the current lock down situation, I am struggling with the issue of weight right now because I don't have my usual lifestyle. I've been going between saying "IDGAF" to "my god, I need to do something about this" . Lockdown has changed the rules of what it means to be fit and healthy. and with no end in sight this has forced me to really look at my beliefs on that.
Like most people, for me, my weight has always been associated with my health and fitness and right now it feels like the health and fitness industry is being rammed down my throat. With everyone "safe at home" and the danger we're avoiding being a health pandemic, there's never been a better time for this industry to take full advantage of attacking people's already fragile beliefs, self-esteem and responsibility to take care of their health. So maybe I'm rebelling against that because I hate being told what to do or maybe I'm calling bullshit.
First of all, I can't access the Gym which is where I enjoy working out. The gym works for me because once I'm there I have no choice but to work out (no comfy sofa looking at me), and I love lifting weights. Home workouts are everywhere now so you "have no excuses" but I just don't want to do them. They are all over instagram, Joe Wicks is breaking records with his accessible workouts and I almost feel like a weirdo for having no interest.
If you like working out at home normally, I'm not judging you, I swear. You may have no interest in weights, you may not like working out in a public place, you might feel intimidated by the gym, you may hate running outside, the list is endless. My irritation (and therefore stubbornness) is that the amount of home workouts I'm seeing posted, feels like it's happening out of desperation or because "you have no other choice". What is the worst that would happen if you didn't force yourself to do something you wouldn't normally choose to do? What is it that you are you scared of? Again if it's something new you're trying or you're doing it to occupy your time I'm not slating that, what I'm trying to do is get at the bigger issue that if you're doing it because you feel like you have to or you're punishing yourself for putting on weight or potentially putting on weight, please stop.
The same goes for running outside. I have never seen so many people running in the park. In my local park I've even seen parents forcing kids under 10 before 10am I might add! To run on a Saturday morning. And by force I mean seeing kids slowing down, being tired of running and their parents telling them to keep going. Like WTF?! It seems like this lockdown world is obsessed with fitness, keeping in shape or losing weight.
To an extent, I do get it. Lockdown has changed my eating and exercise habits; I'm eating a lot more comfort food than I usually do, I'm not "on the go" like I usually am, and I'm not working out... at all. I used to go to the gym 2-5 times a week, and now it's zero. But I'm only feeling guilt when I compare myself to others because the sensible voice in my head is very quietly whispering "we're in a pandemic, make the most of what you can to keep yourself relaxed and who really cares anyway?".
I've definitely put on a little bit of weight and I know if I wanted to, I could lose it - both in lock down now and once it's over. I'm not going to lie and say I won't want to either, but I'm more likely do the latter when my lifestyle goes back to what it was before COVID19. I'm reminding myself to try not to maintain my pre-lockdown weight because food during this period is one of the few things giving me enjoyment and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Food is comforting (fact) and meal times are a crucial part of me feeling like I have a routine. In a time where I'm not able to enjoy the things I usually do, why can't I enjoy things at home instead, and that includes yummy food.
I also know that really I'm not that much bigger than I usually am. So would I rather be a few pounds heavier and enjoy this time, or a few pounds lighter feeling like I've created a punishment of being at home full time?
As already mentioned, outside of lockdown I do workout to feel good in myself, and a part of that is my figure (I'd be lying if I said it wasn't) but it's also for my mental health. The gym is a big stress relief, it gives me a time where I have a break from thinking about anything other than what I'm doing in that moment, and I love the endorphins after. That's how I enjoy moving my body - it's not HIIT, it's not cardio and it's definitely not running. So if I can't do that right now, then I keep telling myself I shouldn't have to. During this time where I'm working from home full time, not able to see my friends and family and not able to access the gym, what is making me feel good (and so benefiting my mental health) is long walks over the park with my dog, eating nice food, face time, reading, meditation, and watching lots and lots of Netflix.
Maybe I'm being harsh too, because confidence in health and fitness for me has come with age and like they say "health and fitness is a journey". So perhaps some people haven't gotten to this point yet. Of course I've had felt pressure and acted on it, to be a certain size and try and make myself smaller.
I'm very lucky in that when I was younger I had a fast metabolism and I also think my parents brought me up to not view any food as bad. In fact, the first time I started to fill out (I was all legs up to 16) and someone told me I was putting on weight I took it as a compliment. I actually can't imagine that now and it's probably why I remember that moment. My immediate family are all very slim too and food was never scrutinised at home. My Dad and brothers are all scaffolders, which is a very physically demanding job so I grew up around men who ate whatever they wanted and were still fit. Never seeing any food as bad, I never really over ate when I was younger. My Mum has always been tiny too without trying. .
I think the point I'm trying to make is that while I think it's partly genes, it's definitely nurture too. As a kid, the only reason food was limited was because of making the weekly shop stretch so we had to ask permission to eat anything, whether that was an apple or a chocolate bar, and so again all food was the same.
But weight is also lifestyle, so both combined has meant that as I've gotten older, confidence in my own ability to manage my health and weight has grown. This is why I think social media can be SO dangerous to teenagers and those in their early twenties. I've had to make a conscious effort to not follow loads of models on Instagram as it makes me feel bad about myself, and it's almost impossible to not compare yourself. It's age old advice that Instagram is everyone's highlight reel, but I think it's also important to remember that the people you are following on Instagram or are blue tick official have completely different lifestyles. Yes they have make up artists, nutritionists, skin and cosmetic doctors and stylists that they don't always credit, but they also might have a lot more free time than you. May I remind you that all love island stars seem to "glow up" once they have access to more money, free time and professional resources?
They won't be working 9-6's (or longer) with only an hour lunch break, they are often younger and living at home with parents, or are celebs with paid help, and so they're also not spending time cooking, cleaning, doing washing, food shops, and everything else that comes with a being a non-insta famous self-sufficient adult. Yes you can get up at 5am and workout if you really, really want to, but health shouldn't be that hard.
Ultimately though the more I've been reviewing my own negative mindset on weight and trying to change those beliefs, it comes down to that health and fitness isn't about weight at all and it can be completely exclusive. You should move your body because it's enjoyable for you not as punishment for something you ate. So that means choosing exercise that you enjoy; if you hate running, don't run. Try dancing instead. If you hate lifting weights, then don't do it, maybe try running instead. You should also be choosing healthier food, because it's nutritious and makes you feel good. Not because it's a fad and you feel like you have to. I fucking hate Avocado and there's nothing wrong with just having eggs on toast instead. So you should also choose food because you enjoy eating it.
Of course you will know yourself if you are eating and not exercising, and it's making you feel bad. Maybe you are binge-ing (but binge-ing comes from restricting yourself first) or maybe you're feeling lethargic and tired from not moving, but it's a decision you need to make for you. I'm not going to even attempt to get into the complexities of relationships with food and exercise because it is so personal, I just wanted to contribute to the conversation and say do what's good for you.
Don't sweat it out in your living room, hating every second because you hate your body. Don't force feed yourself food that makes you want to pinch your nose at the same time, because you feel like there's something wrong with you for not liking it. It's the quickest way to associate health and fitness with pain.
Finally, I wanted to say health and fitness is not just what you're eating and doing. It's also the way you talk to yourself, the way you're thinking, the people you follow and the messages you take in. It's self-care (more to come on that later) of listening to your body and resting, of not exercising when your're sick, of having a hot bubble bath and having a long sleep if you want to, of unfollowing anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself, and choosing to not engage in diet conversations with your colleagues. It's your mind, your body, and your stomach, so do what's best for you in your life and please remember your weight is no one else's business (women, that includes men).
Yours,
Size Sexy ;) x
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