So it's been quite a while since I've written an article and the truth is, I've had writers block combined with my day job being extremely full on. So I do apologise that I've gone so quiet, but given how I feel right now, getting back into what I love doing is high on priority list again.
That explained, let's jump straight back in...
Right now, I'm in a "fuck men" I am going to do me for the next 6 months mood. And by that I mean, work out, eat well, sleep well, see my friends, work on my blog and podcast (I promise another episode is coming), focus on my career (I've just changed roles), train for a 10K, read, listen to podcasts and date myself. This decision has been made after I've taken my foot off the pedal for a good 6 months when it's come to dating. The apps and subsequent treatment of the men I've gone out with have put me in a place of dating fatigue and being disillusioned by it all. So after the last guy I liked disappeared (standard!), and then one guy I agreed to go on a date with 3 months later turned up absolutely paralytic (I cut the date short), I tried to get back on the horse a month ago. I agreed to a date with a guy I wasn't particularly interested in, just to get myself back out there. He turned up much hotter than I expected, we got on so well and then I had a whirlwind 2 weeks with him, before he too, as is now the outcome the majority of the time; disappointed but did not surprise me...
In focusing on myself the last week and a bit, I've been listening to A LOT of podcasts on dating, how to set boundaries (which I am shit at), and red flags to get some perspective while I'm on a break. In doing so, I have come across a term that I am going to document exploring while still doing me; "Mantourage Dating"... but let's rewind to how my thinking first started...
Before the Tinder era, to meet men, you'd get dressed up, go out and hopefully get chatted up by a guy you find attractive. From that, it would be very obvious if a guy was taking your number to date or trying to take you home for a one night stand. It was very overt, and all parties involved knew exactly what they were getting into. So maybe it's having dated solidly since last year, but the pattern I've now noticed is that dating apps allow men to be covert with their actual intentions.
Dating apps may appear to have replaced that, but in essence they haven't. Women (based on mine and my friends' experiences) are on there trying to date (or hook up if using Tinder) and clear about it, but men (maybe women but I don't date women), will be on apps like Hinge stating they want a relationship, will take you out a few times, say they like you, sleep with you and then disappear. Why? Because otherwise the women they want to sleep with wouldn't agree to go out with them. It's the one night stand motive but it's completely deceptive. And sadly there are so many women on the apps, that men will do it again, and again, and again. They do get laid and with these women not being from their own lives, they do so without any repercussions, whatsoever.
I, myself, have dated 3 guys in the last year and a bit that have followed the exact same cycle. And what confirmed this is what's really going on is when a guy I was talking to from Hinge, who insinuated on his profile that he was looking to meet someone, was honest with me after getting to know me over a couple of months (no dates were had) that he hadn't asked me out because he knew I was looking for something real (and I would like to think grown respect for me) but he was enjoying being single. My first thought was; so why the hell are you on a "dating" app?! Yes Tinder, is renowned for being a hook up app, but Hinge whether it's accurate or not, appears to be more for people looking for something real. So while I respect that particular guy for being honest with me, I can't help but think that the women he is dating from there, have no idea that he has no intention of being in a relationship, no matter how fun their dates might be and he will disappear and just move on to the next one, while he's in his single phase. The reason men do this for a short term too, is because naturally after those first few dates and sex, the women they are dating will start expecting more, and that's why it gets cut and the cycle repeats.
I've fallen prey to this because I'm not out there saying "let's just see what happens" and all that other weak bullshit some people pull to try and convince someone they actually do want a relationship once they get to know them. It will happen to them too, but I get angry about this and find it more deceptive because the men I am involved with know, I wouldn't be interested in them if I knew what they were really after. I legit say "I'm not looking for casual" or "I want a relationship". I don't want anything less than that, because quite honestly, I can do everything else myself (and better). So this isn't miscommunication.. this is someone choosing to date me and saying they want the same, before they disappear. Be it wrong or right, I am going to continue to tell guys what I do want because I don't think all men are dickheads, and I am looking to meet my person. So for the right guy, that will be welcomed and he'll act accordingly. And like I said above "let's see what happens" or "go with the flow" doesn't stop this from happening either, you just don't have as much reason to be upset about it.
While we're being clear, let me also say that I'm not here saying that guys who aren't interested in me after a few dates are pricks, A guy deciding he doesn't like me enough, doesn't make him a bad person. He might be looking for a relationship too and decide he doesn't want that with me. FAIR ENOUGH. I have no problem if a guy respectfully tells me he's no longer interested. Where it's cruel, is where they tell you how much they like you right up until the point they disappear and give you no explanation. Now as ghosters are pussies (in my opinion) it may be that they changed their mind about me and weren't out to lead me on, but if they're not saying that, then they're going to get grouped in with the men who are actively deceiving women to get their leg over.
With no explanation, there's no respect there for the time you did spend getting to know them, it's rude, and if it happens after sex, it's disgusting. I practice what I preach too, I would always tell a guy if I changed my mind and I certainly wouldn't sleep with him if I wasn't going to see him again. I can also say I have never ghosted someone. So these guys are arseholes for manipulating you or not bothering to explain otherwise.
Back to my own experience, in the last year, I had Robert* who I was speaking to for 6 weeks (texts and calls) before I moved to Manchester, went out with a few times, and then ghosted me after we slept together. We also have Tim* who actually had tried to take me out for most of the year (I was on and off seeing someone else) that when we finally did go out, we hit it off and he was consistent for about three weeks. Cut to us sleeping together and a distinct shift in attitude before he disappeared off the face of the earth with no explanation given. It's lucky I know I'm great in bed because otherwise it would ruin this entire theory LOL.
Then recently, I didn't sleep with this guy, I held off because I am learning albeit slowly, but I had had two weeks of dating *Sam (with him very much being the keen bean) but as soon as I told him it wasn't cool that he'd asked to see me and then cancelled an hour after we were supposed to meet up, he also vanished. While there was no sex involved, I do think it's the same pattern. Men like the thrill of dating you, to get you to like them / sleep with them, and then the fun's over as soon as you confirm that you are into them and have any kind of expectation past a few fun dates. Even if that's simply "respect my time" and it's not just about you.
Fed up of getting excited by someone to have them hype up my hopes and sell me a dream before disappearing down the toilet, I've realised that my mistake in all of this is focusing on that one man. I'm really good at deciding if I'm interested in someone I'm on a date with (not focusing on whether they like me) but as soon as I start to like that person, I literally hand over all the power and let them set the pace. I know it's not good to do that, but in reality it's a hard thing for me to change because when I like someone, I am focused on them and if they want to see me, then I am flattered and excited. This is what has to change.
"Mantourage" dating spiked my interest, because you don't date just one guy; you date a few. The reason being so you don't "hyper focus" on one guy, so when one is pissing you off or being inconsistent, you are truly fine about it because they go to the back of the line and you spend more time with someone else. In practice, I've never been able to do this, because like I said, once I like someone that's it. I can't even flirt with someone I don't fancy, so I'm just not built that way. But if I did do this, it would force me to pace things to be slower with any one of these guys, because I'd be busy rotating my dates and also having my own life in between. I am still going to be honest and respectful, but I don't owe these men anything more than that (and I've been shown time and time again that some men don't even think I'm owed an explanation) so I need to stop giving my time to just one man exclusively until they deserve it and we've had a conversation about it.
Furthermore, having the men's interest and behaviour directly comparable at the time, I think would keep me level headed as well. I think with my heart (and vagina) and not with my head when I am interested and it happens from the second those pesky "like" feelings come in. It's why I'm so good at retaining the interest of guys I don't like. Because I put myself first with them (because I don't care) and so they respect me more.
With all that being said, this article is a bit different to my usual, I know, but I am going to switch it up, get a few men on the books, and I will keep you updated. Disclaimer: I'm also going to not be as stringent with the guys I go out with. Usually, unless I'm excited by someone, I won't go on a date, but as that doesn't happen too often, I need to relax with that if I am going to put this into practice. Plus a lot of the time, the guys I do like have surprised me. If they're cute and respectful, it'll be a "why not" to date 1...
...Eek! Keep you posted.
Unimpressed with Dating App Patterns,
Danielle x
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