Let's talk... It's Not You, It's Not Me, It's Us.

The first cut is the deepest… Shout out to anyone who instantly knew that was a Rod Stewart banger.

So I’m back! And back with a newsworthy article because I’ve just had my heart broken (I was actually in love) for the 2nd time in my life. Look at that timing! Noooo... I've been meaning to do this for a while but then I got some juicy gossip (read: trainwreck that is my life) for you and it’s all worked out divinely. Your girl is single again (am I ever not?) but let me tell you about the end of the secondment from my usual status…

This break up was only the 3rd time EVER that I’ve cried that deeply in relation to a man. But this was unique in that it was the 1st time since my first love, because I let myself feel that way about someone again.

If we get past the weekend (where truthfully we both know I was dumped) the first thought I keep coming back to is one of relief; relief that I’ve actually loved someone else. Being single for 6 years until this relationship, I questioned if I was even capable of it again. So ultimately, I’m thankful to know, I can feel that way if I want to and there’s power in that.

The second biggest feeling I have about it is; I do not want a man anywhere near me for at least a year, probably more. I can’t think of anything worse than having a man I do not love yet, and his hungover/morning/stale/smoker/alcohol/even minty breath anywhere remotely near my personal space or even stood in my flat. And I’m pretty set on that being forever right now… call me a Negative Nancy if you will, but I just don’t see the point in doing it to myself.

Love is great sure, and it was good to feel it again, but this relationship was a bit a like a deflated balloon, it just didn't really take off, hardly a rocket to the moon. To be clear; our relationship was, not him.

This is given that it only actually happened on the weekends (thanks to distance), I didn’t know where I even stood for the first half of it, my friends weren’t best pleased by it (he was related to a good friend of mine), I felt that I couldn’t be excited by us to them or him, I spent the time we weren't together feeling like a 2nd thought, and what I needed was him to check in on me and check I'm ok/how my day is, because I do everything else for myself. Maybe that’s why I am moving on much quicker than I thought; I'd adapted to it being part time.

And with that all still very large in the rear view mirror, what exactly would another relationship bring right now? Unless it’s cook for me, feed me, give me multiple orgasms while I just lie there, take me on first class holidays, pick up the bills (including just mine) and give me the luxury of never having to work a day again in my life.. and I mean all of those, not just one … it’s a hard pass right now. I’m good (or I will be).

But then I have to admit, the signs of the end were there from the start so I have been beating myself up about it too. I could have avoided the whole debacle if I was more secure in myself, but would I rather have acted on the signs and not gone through it.. I don’t think so. He made me happy again in that way, even if it was short-lived.

The icing on the cake on top of realising I do have a heart for romance again, is my own personal growth from the situation – I spoke up for what I needed, knowing full well it was probably going to end even though I wasn’t ready for that. He wasn’t a bad guy AT ALL (lovely in fact) but I was compromising wayyyy too much on what I wholeheartedly believe I deserve and can have, all because he was a nice lad that I had fallen for. I was very understanding of him, but not being fair to myself. And that was especially true when I consider what I was giving in comparison. And he is a genuinely good egg because he was honest and said that’s not something he is capable of doing. It makes it even harder when they've not done anything wrong... I mean it’s still shit, but he was kind in the end too.

From that, some (my friends) could say I ended it, but we both knew I would have tried again if he did say he would try harder. And if he was a selfish prick that’s what he would have done. And there was a lot of good in our connection, but the kick in the stomach (that he might not admit but I will) is he didn’t want to try because he didn’t actually feel the same way about me. Whether it was because he wasn’t ready for a relationship or he just didn’t care enough to have that with me…that was the hard pill (and reason for my tears that night) to swallow. I was up there on that bridge on my own, asking a man for the 2nd time in my life to show me he loved me or even wanted me. The sadness added to it, was that after all this time of disappointments while single, I thought I’d finally found something real again but realising quite quickly, it was a “nice to have” for him, whereas I was all in. Or maybe it changed, I don't know. Christmas and New Year I felt on top of the world and was genuinely very happy... but it deteriorated.

Once the hurt passed, I am pleased to say that I’ve felt comfort in being proud of myself. There has been no more crying after that weekend because I know I chose myself and not a future of being disappointed or feeling half loved. I may have overlooked a lot for much longer than I should have but I finally accepted that he didn’t think about me when he wasn’t around (weekdays), that he never made any plans really, that I said I love you first and continued to be the only person to say it first, and he seemed unfazed about us spending a month at a time apart, two months out of three. Some might settle for that, but I can't. I'm too OK being on my own to feel disappointed or let down.

I don't want to bash him either but I am going to bash me, for letting it get to that by lying to myself and trying my hardest to believe he would give me/care for me more the longer on we went, even though he never said or promised such a thing. I know what being loved feels like, and this sadly, wasn’t it.

As level headed as I can sound writing this, and recognizing the motions I am going through, I am still having days when I listen to Bitchy Betty in my head; I just don’t feel like I was good enough for him, or good enough to be with. Especially when I think I’m a good person, I’m alrite to look at, I want for nothing (except a daily conversation) and he did fancy me enough to pester his cousin for a date over a few months, But something still wasn’t there for him or was no longer there.

But you can’t love someone into loving you – it doesn’t work like that does it? Betty says “I was so good to him, why wasn’t that enough?”, “I showed him I loved him, why wasn’t that enough?” “I did things for him in the hope that he would reciprocate, why wasn’t that enough?”

The most hurtful negative voice I get is “after wanting to take me out for 6 months before I said yes, the problem is the reality of me is a disappointment or the novelty wore off”. I know I cried that night and he hugged me because he felt bad, but I also believe that when he left he wouldn’t think about it again and felt relieved himself. “You know why this is Danielle, it’s because you aren’t enough”. But I am getting better at catching myself speaking to me like that and changing my train of thoughts…

To add insult to injury, I’ve also in the last couple of weeks thought about and missed by ex quite a bit. Not him now (don't be silly) but the boyfriend I had the privilege of having, for such a long time. I knew it at the time, but know it even more now, that he was amazing he was at loving me and showing up to try and love me for the majority of the time we were together. I didn’t realise just how special that was back then and even more how rare it is now. But then I wobble my head and think those things were easy for him because he loved me. The next man who does, will easily love me that way too.

God, break ups suck don’t they? Not only do you think about the one you’re going through but all of the previous ones you went through. Who’s idea was it that relationships are hashtag goals again?

Finally, my last thought about it (so far anyway) goes hand in hand with my aversion to men - I LOVE being single. The relief at not having to compromise at all with anyone ever again if I don’t want to. I can watch the TV I want to watch (goodbye South Park, hello Real Housewives), I can fart in my flat in peace and not worry that he might hear me let one slip and get the ick (Betty says he already had it LOL). That I don’t have to shave my vagina, or even my legs for that matter. That I can eat what I want and save money not spending it on all the things we were going to do this Summer. Actually who am I kidding? I’ve just booked in other fun things I am excited about spending money on.

Add in the relief, that my dog can be back on his side of the bed at the weekends (he is still punishing me though by choosing the sofa), that I’m not cleaning up after anyone but myself and even to not feel anxiety about me leaning towards the side of not wanting kids (although still not 100%).

And most satisfyingly, the hope is there again…. Hope that there might be this really, exciting love story that’s yet to happen in my life with the most amazing person, who can be someone I can lean on too, when the time is right. Not this year but one day. And when it comes I will be ready for it, my needs will be just as important as his and met, and I will be able to feel it all without compromising (too much).

Here's hoping anyway....

Yours,

Unimpressed with Heartbreak