This article is a bit different to my past articles because it’s a journey through my thought process. So, buckle up and join in! I promise I do get there in the end (very ironic by the way) ...
I’ve been on a bit of a spiritual journey the last 18 months. I’ve read so much on the law of attraction, manifestation, the effects of energy, creating new neuro pathways and how feeling good is the answer to being good.
The latest installment in my knowledge has been from the master himself Wayne Dyer in his book “Manifest Your Destiny: The Nine principles for getting everything you want” and the principle of “Honoring your Worthiness to Receive”. It really got me thinking about my own trauma and negative experiences I still carry around with me.
I tell stories about them. Not all the time by any means (not everyone knows everything about me) but I’ve done it here in past articles and I have done it when building intimacy with new people in my life. I’ve never been one to use it to defend my behaviour or effect how I treat other people, but the fact that it’s all so readily available to me and I think about it whenever shit hits the fan, I know I haven’t let it go.
Don’t get me wrong, like a lot of people who have had struggles or gone through bad times, there’s a lot of it that I do use to bolster my self-esteem; I’m proud of the lessons it’s taught me, the resilience I’ve developed as a result and egotistically, how it hasn’t made me a bitter, selfish, or nasty person. I know I have integrity; I am fair to a fault actually and I always try to do the right thing even when it’s hard. This comes from knowing what it feels like to be at rock bottom and to be on the receiving end of someone else’s bad behaviour or malintent. So yeah, there is good from it because it has helped me to become kinder and stay genuine. But why can that just be enough and why do I use it to dominate all of my decision making and way of being? Why can’t I just leave it in the past?
I’ve shared a lot of it here in past articles, all with the aim to making my readers feel less alone and discuss raw topics that not everyone can do. But I feel like I’ve just had this massive realisation – it’s holding me back.
Reading Wayne Dyer’s words, I thought to myself “how would I feel if I let all that shit go?” If I stopped story telling about it all. If I only ever brought it up when it’s absolutely necessary (which will be hardly ever) and not to disarm people and let them know I’m a nice person.
If I stopped explaining myself? If I stopped giving my past the power to be the answer for how I am now? If I literally changed my story and stopped looking back while trying to move forward. The answer is “I would feel a lot lighter”. I would feel happier and most important of all, I would feel peace. Isn’t that the aim of any one’s life game?
Examples.
I’ve given myself and those close to me the narrative that I’m unlucky in love. I’ve had negative experiences with getting my feelings hurt, had my heart broken and struggled to find a long-term genuine relationship at the age of 34. But am I unlucky really?
Working with a coach last year, I learned that the brain looks for evidence to support the stories we tell ourselves and we are more likely to remember the bad ones. But there’s plenty of good in my past too. I’ve had an amazing relationship where I was in love with the person I was with and felt genuinely loved in return. That’s not a failure and it’s given me a blueprint to what I want in future without settling for anything less than.
I’ve never struggled getting dates or romantic interest and there’s been plenty examples of men wanting to date or keep dating me, but I’ve been the one to decide they’re not quite the right fit for me and I’ve been able to do that because I’m not scared of being on my own. There is so much love in my life already, love that I’ve had and love I have around me now, that I don’t depend on romantic love. That’s not bad luck.
I have amazing people in my life who love me. I have two parents who both make it known, I have good friends I can call at any point and vice versa, I have siblings who I know will be there if I need them, good friends I can call at any point and vice versa, and a soul who has been so beneficial for my mental health in recent years; a dog who gives me unconditional love, but also allows me to love in its purest form, every single day. I’m not unlucky in love at all.
And what about all of the “trauma” I’ve experienced. You could say I’ve had more than some people, but everyone has a story. You’ve only got to watch X Factor or The Voice or even Masterchef (you’d be surprised) to know that. It’s no excuse for how I feel today.
People are allowed to keep growing and changing, they don’t have to stay the bad character in our stories. My parents are different people now. They were my heroes as a child, we then had 10 years I’d say of them falling from that grace point where I don’t doubt, they learned some hard lessons, but we’re good now. So, me feeling obligated in some weird fucked up sense, to always remember what happened back then, is punishing them and me.
As a result of that familial situation, it has shaped how I feel about my home security and finances. It’s instilled incredible work ethic and gratitude for my bed and flat every single day. They are both positives I can take with me, without dwelling on the reason for them being there. So, If I just enjoyed my relationship with them now and the benefits of going through it, I’d be so much happier.
Past exes, I know I am not alone in saying - why do I keep visiting the social media pages of their current partner to see how they are doing? I am reliving the pain every time I do it. Stuck in a cycle of repeating the memories and lack, and they aren’t even the same person anymore. How can they be? If it should have happened, it would have happened. I’d feel so much better if I left it alone.
And what about past friendships with people who are no longer in my life or in my life in a different capacity? Especially the people and relationships I still miss. Well firstly nostalgia is a liar, again they won’t be the same people, but there were very good reasons things changed, and for whatever reason both of us were unable to resolve it at the time. If we grew in different directions that’s OK. It’s the way it’s meant to be. The breakdowns that were painful don’t have to have power over me now and if they’re still around physically, I can choose to greet them with peace and not invest myself emotionally. I don’t have to explain it either. We can all let go in love for the people who’ve played a part in our lives but are no longer in it. Feeling guilty, bitter or wishing things or people were different is only going to hurt.
To summarise, yeah I should let it all go. I’m purposely not saying the word “forget” because you don’t ever forget and if you did you wouldn’t remember your life. But I don’t have to remember it every day when I am moving forward or when the next significant experience where similarities can be drawn. I don’t have to use it to negatively alter the way I behave or am now.
I don’t have to date someone anxiously waiting for a mask to slip, feeling like they will take advantage of my feelings or that I’ll end up hurt. I don’t have to build friendships with someone new overcompensating for both of us with time and energy because I worry they will think I am not worthy of being their friend. I don’t have to spend time with my Mum feeling like I have to reminisce or talk out past grievances; I can just enjoy the now.
Every day is a fresh start, a new beginning and a new way to live. If you put out good energy into the world and you feel good, you will attract more of that to you. I want to wake up every day without emotional burden that others can’t see but I very much feel. I want to stop letting past experiences taint what I enjoy today. I want to only consciously remember the good as the default and go into each encounter with no expectations and not trying to be understood.
I guess thinking about that question “how would I feel if I let all this shit go?” I realized how much of it I do drag around with me… like a dead body. So “Rest in Peace” has a whole new meaning and I’m going to work hard to kick the habit of ruminating in the present, out of my mind.
Yours,
Unimpressed with Resentment x
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