I had so many options for the title of this article. If you've seen my Instagram stories this past week, I've explained that my new boyfriend of 3 months had cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend. So the options here were "thank you, next.", "hurt people hurt people", "brushing it off" and "another disappointment". But do you know what? Of all the emotions I've felt this week, the strongest has been relief and in awe of how quickly I've gotten over it. So kudos to me for not letting a horrible situation effect my self-worth or self-esteem and I'm going to tell you why...
Firstly, I have been nothing but my genuine, authentic, nice, kind, and good self to this man. I was honest from the start and I did everything right. We dated properly (I didn't settle for netflix and chill), we had conversations about what we were both looking for, I communicated my boundaries effectively and I held space for him when he needed it. A friend of his sadly committed suicide during this time and I was there for him. He caught COVID and felt awful and I was there for him. He treated me well and I reciprocated. To say I was completely led down the garden path that he cared about me (and I'll be honest, thought he was a lot more into me than I was into him) is a massive understatement.
We'd spoken about past relationships so I knew of his ex, but only in conversation in the beginning. Not enough for me to think she was still around or on his mind. I didn't know this because he purposely kept that a secret. And she wasn't around until she was. This man was miss calling her 300 times a night when pissed, DMing her off of fake instagram accounts about sex because he was blocked on his own, telling her he wasn't over her and that it wasn't the same with me all while proactively telling me I make him happy and was his number 1 priority.
It wasn't all words either before anyone chips in there. I'd heard his Dad on the phone mention me, I saw him probably 4-5 times a week, we'd made future plans, introduced him to my friends, taken me away on weekends and with him for the first time since my ex, I felt seen, heard and taken care of. So it was SUCH a shame, that he turned out to be somebody I thought he wasn't.
Thinking about it now, because I do think it would have been impossible to pretend for that long and for whole weekends at a time, I do think he wanted to be the person he was when he was with me. But for whatever reason, he wasn't over a toxic relationship (and that's what it was by both their admissions) that just didn't work. I am even going to go one further and say that with me, he was forced to step his shit up, because seeing those messages and how they spoke to each other, I would not have been interested in anyone that spoke to me like that.
Of course, I was upset when I found out. I felt humiliated, mugged off, was in shock, blindsided, and angry. Very angry. Let's be real... 3 months is not long at all. Also if you're not over your ex, why the fuck are you proactively dating someone else and leading them on. Get over her first. I don't understand why he felt the need to drag anyone else into that mess. Thank god, I took my time with how I was feeling. I liked him, but I wasn't in love with him. I am more than grateful that this came out 3 months in instead of say a year, because I wouldn't have found out until she decided to tell me.
That sadness where I cried my eyes out on my friend Julia in person, and then to my closest friends on the phone as well as a pep talk from the Father, lasted a single day. Followed by a day of "fuck you" anger to then just "meh, his loss". That my friends, is something of a record for me.
This bounce back has me in awe of myself because it's shown me that all the work I have done on myself and my self-growth has actually had an effect. This is the first time in my life where I haven't considered that I might to be blame or lacking in some way and I very quickly dismissed either of them effecting my life. In this situation, I am and I was a good person. He tried it and doesn't deserve me. She isn't any kind of girl I would be friends with at this stage in my life. She might have enjoyed telling me that my boyfriend was still in love with her, but she did it after she fucked him, after he'd cheated on her in their relationship, after those crude stalker messages he was sending her, and after seeing he was treating someone else poorly by messaging her. Had she told me when he was bothering her, I'd respect the girl. As far as I'm concerned, she has a lot of growing up to do. No wins there love.
I'm also going to be even more honest; this is his loss. So when this inevitable thing came to light, I thought "you know what, he's not my dream guy". I liked him because he was lovely to me, we got on, I did fancy him and he was consistent. Like I said earlier, I felt emotionally connected to him which is a big deal breaker for me. BUT, I was still in two minds about our compatibility but just going with it, because I'm such a huge overthinker and I'm trying really hard not to do that so much now. There were some key things I was compromising on and not sold on yet. So to summarise, this incident was an excuse to let him go. No guilt, no regrets, no losing sleep about it.
I've had a lot of good advice and chats this past week with my friends about their take on the situation and one particular piece that stood out and I hadn't ever taken on before was that some people will self-sabotage a relationship they don't think they're worthy of. In the beginning, I had to do a lot of reassuring that I wanted to see him and spend time with him. He also made comments that I was too good for him. I'm not saying I was back then. I told him he was a lovely guy and I honestly believed that. As I've gotten older, that means more to me than a hilarious charmer, but I think it was reflecting how he was feeling and perhaps why he went back to her. Ego, she made him feel good about himself, and not that it's my responsibility to do that, but I didn't make him feel secure because I wasn't a broken person lacking self-esteem.
To finish the story, he did apologise. Not at first, first it was "it's complicated", which irritated me because it was anything but. You don't have kids together, you don't own a house together, she doesn't even live in the same city (talk about premeditated), What was complicated was you wanted to have your cake and eat it. Try and get over her with me, but still shag her when you wanted. We had a phone call, and he said her Nan had passed and because he still cared about her he went to see her and didn't do the right thing. Again, bullshit. Not that her Nan hadn't died, but that he went over there with pure intentions...
The call ended by him saying "he didn't know what to say" and me replying "there's nothing too say, you're just another disappointment" before hanging up the phone (see title option). He did follow up with an essay of an apology that night, that he is genuinely sorry, he's disgusted with himself and he made the worst mistake of his life this week by throwing away what he had with me for someone he thought he still cared about who probably planned to do what she'd done anyway. So no they aren't back together. Did I reply? Did I fuck.
You did make a mistake mate. huge. This milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. No I'm laughing now, and I am just joking... I promise.
I will finish this by saying I've done a lot of reflecting this week and listening to some iconic break up tunes. From Lizzo's "Why are men great til they gotta be great" to Destiny Child's "Ain't no feeling like being freeeee" - I did take a test which turned out I'm 100% that bitch even when I'm crying crazy...
The lesson for me in all of this is: I'm not settling even a smidgen next time. I love my life. And I really, really hand on heart, don't need this kind of shit in it. So yes, thank you. NEXT (she's single again baby!)
Yours,
Unimpressed with "It's Complicated"
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