So we all know that saying (I hope) that if you're friends with someone for more than 7 years, then you'll be friends for life. In my personal opinion - that's bullshit. It completely negates the fact that everyone grows at different rates and life changes for everyone in different speeds. You're not the same person every day of your life, and neither are the people you share your life's moments with.
However, with all that being said, it doesn't take away from the very real pain that a friendship break up hurts. A lot. To be honest, for me it's worse than a romantic break up. You need your friends when you're single or coupled up. I also invest much more into my friendships because I never think about the possibility of it ending or protecting myself.
By the way, I'm extremely aware of not wanting to come across high and mighty in the post or a know it all, so this is just my view and I don't doubt that I've contributed to friendship fall outs and have been to blame as well. Some I still miss and wish had turned out differently. I also know though, that as I've gotten older (experience), I am much more cut throat about it. Life is hard enough, without having people in your life (relatives, friends and partners) who make it harder. Your friends should also be your biggest cheerleaders and vice versa. It's always a choice to spend time with a friend so if they're making you miserable... what is the fucking point?
The reason this post has happened is because this year in particular has been really tough on me emotionally. Not because anything that's happened is any worse than what I've been through with friends before, but for some reason I am acutely more sensitive to it, because I see things now more for what they are and it's upsetting.
The best piece of advice I read this year was "invest energy where it's returned" and I noticed that some of my friendships were completely one-sided. So instead of just punting along with it, I've stopped. I'm all for; "life is busy but when you see each other again, nothing has changed" but there's a difference between that and people picking you up and putting you back down when it suits them. It's not OK for your best friends to be undercover haters and dress it up as "I'm just being honest with you". Nor is it OK for them to make constant jokes at your expense knowing full well what your insecurities are, because they're "just playing". It's actually worse. Neither is life so busy that your friends can ignore an open question asking to spend time with them or make plans for more than 2 months, after hitting you with the excuse "I'm swamped at work". I know that feeling too, but you're not swamped at the weekend, when you're posting about your boyfriend or making plans with your other friends. We all have priorities, and if this is happening, then the hard truth is you're just not one.
This coupled with my friends settling down, moving away and getting married hasn't helped. I know my circle is the smallest it's ever been. But I keep telling myself that's not a reason to accept shitty behaviour.
I've spent a lot of my life ignoring my gut feeling about people, cutting them slack where I shouldn't and it's definitely come back to bite me! So that's really changed too. If you're making jokes about someone because they don't have as much money as you, turn up to social events only when it's for your benefit, have double standards of the time/effort that should be invested, won't meet half way ever, only get in touch to get information, or think you can speak to someone like shit when you're having a bad day, or assign more respect only to people you consider attractive or famous, then that speaks volumes about a character I don't want to be friends with, even if you haven't "done anything" to me.
I know I'll probably end up friendless at this rate, but that's preferable to feeling like I am number 2 in my own life or surrounded by dickheads who make me question the person I am. I don't want to be associated with cruel behaviour or morals I don't agree with.
I also know I'm a fucking good friend when I want to be. I also know when I'm not being a good friend or person - and I'll reach out to the friends I feel like I haven't been there for and apologise (I did it this weekend after a few days not responding to messages because life got in the way). But then that's the point, because other people know it too. At 32, I'm too old to be pointing out to people what they've done, how I've felt as a result or what's happened, because guess what - they already know.
I'll always be civil, but I'm not going to make any more effort or explain it. If the elephant in the room goes unaddressed, and we no longer speak, then we were never really friends to begin with.
I have some amazing friends in my life and I know I'm lucky. Ones who would put a roof over my head (and have), give me the benefit of the doubt, take a phone call from me at 3am (I'm bad for this because my phone is always on silent), check on me when I'm down, and listen to what I'm sure is another boring dating story. I might not see them every day but these are the things that matter and life's too short to accept anything else.
So I want to finish this post by making it really clear that being a good friend is something I am trying really hard and making extra effort to commit to right now. Even if that means being straight up and honest when I'm being shit and also communicating more instead of just shutting down when something has upset me (which isn't relationship defining). I know I can be selfish and I am definitely not the best listener, so friends please do hold me accountable. Of course it works both ways, and I really do value every friend I have. More so than ever, because the one saying that does ring true for me now is "Time and Friends are two things that become more valuable, the older you get".
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