In May this year, I decided to deactivate my Facebook, delete my Instagram and close my twitter account. Facebook is the easy bit, you can deactivate it and it just takes you to log back in and it’s there again. Twitter I haven’t really used for a few years so it was idle anyway, but for me Instagram was the biggie.
Looking at my photos for the last 6 years, now that I thought about doing this, did I really want to delete them? That’s a lie actually; deleting the photos wasn’t hard because I already had ‘em saved on my current phone and old handsets. Deleting the likes, comments and followers though was what had me hesitating. Having thought this was a good idea, the juxtaposition now was that I had anxiety of losing the validation those interactions had given me. So here I was again, needing to think about what deleting it might do for me instead.
As mentioned in my “About me” section, I have had depression three times in my life and by nature I am also an extreme over-thinker. The benefits of this might be that I’m very sensible, I definitely think carefully before doing anything and I would like to believe that I always consider how others will feel as a result of it. The negatives are that I’m extremely self-critical, a perfectionist and care way too much what people think of me. So much so, social media was making me feel, put bluntly, shit about myself and where I was in my life – in comparison.
That’s the key word right there; “comparison”.
Comparison is the thief of joy so they say, and I was both feeling like a loser and importantly not living in the moment enough. I wanted to go back to a time of not knowing what every one of my friends were up to, every minute of the day and without me asking them. I wanted to feel lighter from not knowing what people I don’t actually know were doing and achieving - I don’t even follow the Kardashians and they are all over my newsfeed. I really wanted to not feel like I should be doing more purely so other people could be impressed, and I desperately wanted to not spend special or fun occasions feeling like they didn’t count unless I got a good photo to share with people who weren’t even meant to be there. The most significant feeling that I had been feeling for a long while though, was the overwhelming pressure to be picture perfect.
Like most women, I care how I look. I go to the gym, I consider what I’m eating, I enjoy getting dressed up on occasion (I make no effort 90% of the time when I’m at work), and I still want to be attractive to men I like. Honestly I feel shallow and stupid even writing this; I know there’s a million facetune apps out there, not to mention professional airbrushing, hours of make up and now discreet surgery that goes into the people I am comparing myself to, and that there is so much more to life than what you look like. Yet with all that being said, a bad photo of my double chin, stomach roll or front tooth that is longer than the other and I’m detagging, deleting and wishing I looked better.
I hit the delete button. 6 years of building a profile, and it was gone, just like that. What now? That initial week it was the habit of looking for the app on my phone with my thumb before I realised what I was doing. It was having the moment of “I’ve got nothing to look at” and finding something else to occupy my mind. After that first week, the benefits started to come in thick and fast.
I suddenly found I had more time. I wasn’t procrastinating, I was getting more done at work, I was proactively reaching out to my friends and asking them what they’ve been up to, and I had them returning the favour as I no longer existed online. I also stopped looking for my phone every 5 minutes and it wasn’t glued to my hand. I was present in conversation by not being distracted from being notified and I even lost my phone for the first time since I was a teenager when I was out because I was just enjoying being there (thankfully someone gave it in). I was also less upset or annoyed by what I was seeing online, feeling more confident, and surprisingly I didn’t miss the feed.
I went two months without social media and in all honesty, I rejoined when I went to Singapore for a month for work. The 8 hour time difference meant I didn’t want to feel like I was missing out and rather than waiting for people to come back to me, I could check in with them through it. So I was back on the merry go round but I am more conscious than ever of what I do online.
Whilst I started a new Instagram, I made a conscious effort to only follow people I actually know, who make me feel positive or I mute them if I feel obliged to follow back (social media politics). I turn my phone screen down, a lo toot. I realise it may look like I have something to hide when I’m with people, but it just makes it easier for me to disconnect. I also try (the operative word being try) to limit the scrolling to when I am on the train home from work, or literally waiting somewhere (Doctors or dentists for example or for friends to join me).
However, I am not doing too well recently and noticed I am sliding back into old habits. I get home from work, and an hour has passed before I make my dinner because I sit down and look at my phone. It’s easy to get lost in the never-ending social media onslaught. I also went on holiday in August and felt nervous about going because I didn’t feel my best and was worried about being in a bikini – not in person, but in photos. Then there was this weekend; my flatmate got a puppy this week, and I spent the weekend with him and quickly realised that other than taking photos of Frankie the pup, I forgot to look at my phone and it felt refreshing. So I must be doing worse than I thought of late.
Therefore, I’ve made a promise to myself that from tomorrow (Monday), I am going to renew my commitment to a social media detox. Facebook has gone (I find it pointless to be honest) and I am going to limit Instagram to one set period a day. Rather than saying an hour and splitting that up throughout the day (5 mins here, 5 mins there) because I will be too clever for my own good if I do it that way, it is just going to be once a day. So let’s see how I do…
I’d also like to encourage anyone else to try it. You might be surprised about how much you don’t miss it and how much more you gain too. I know social media has its pros (sharing this included) but if you do cut down even a little bit, I’d love to hear how you are doing.
Yours,
Unimpressed and Not Social Media Savvy
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