I feel uncomfortable already. Just thinking about what might regurgitate out of my brain and onto this platform for you to read is making me feel queasy. My flatmate publicist also advised me not to write this one, but then he can't talk about questionable life choices. This subject also got the most votes on a recent Instagram poll I did, so if it all goes wrong, I blame my friends.
Seriously though, a huge part of why I write these blogs and probably the best feedback I get is that by posting what's uncomfortable and honest, gives those of you who do read this, a chance to read something different that you can actually relate to.
Now I am also highly aware that I'm finding this even more uncomfortable to write, because I'm a woman. It's annoying me to be honest. So that's also giving me a little push. As Beyonce quite rightfully quotes Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie in her song Flawless (if you don't know it, get to know), "We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are" which is so very true. We all know that at the age of 14, sex is something that would get us pregnant or a name for ourselves. An opinion served to us by our parents with a side of raised eyebrows raised and the very real threat of being disowned if it ever did somehow manage to happen (I could write a whole other blog).
We are conditioned from a young age to not think about sex positively because we are women, so we don't ever quite shake off the feeling that being vocal about sex, let alone admitting we do it, is wrong. Yes even in these times of songs like "Drunk in Love", Nicki Minaj just generally existing, and for me being the age of 33 now and doing whatever I like, it still feels like sex is somehow something to be ashamed of, or keep under wraps.
So here I am, I'm going to be a sacrificial lamb and to call bullshit on so many unsexy truths in the name of Feminism. This is my own (small, teeny tiny I know) feminist act. To be a feminist means to be "the person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes". So with that Queen B pep talk being said in my head, and a mental reminder of "have you heard some of her songs Dan?!" I've accepted I'm going to talk about it on here *gulp*...Right. Here. we go.
Sex. Sexy Sexy Sex. Sexual Sexy Sexing Sex.The more I say it, does it feel less taboo? Getting there. Sorry, I need another paragraph to gear myself up... the frustrating thing is, is that it's not taboo at all in the conversations I have with my girl friends. It's not taboo in the conversations I've had with the men I've had sex with. It just feels like it's taboo talking about it in a public domain or in a place that men who I am not in a sexual relationship can read it. But newsflash; we all do it. We all like to do it. We all need to do it. So let's talk about doing it.
I love sex .There I said it. POW. (Eek... life flashing before my eyes, all the people who could potentially read this cringing for me, potential judgement from people coming my way and potentially regretting I am going to say too much all rolled up into a knot in my stomach). But let's be honest, women actually do really love sex and if men were in a relationship with a woman who hated sex, I'm sure they'd have something to say about that. Yes we have sexual needs just like you men do, and I hate to break it to you, it's not to satisfy you.
Sex for me started at 19 (pretty late for people in the UK - 16 years and 10 months is the average for those who want to know) and it was something I wanted to get over and done with. I was sick of not knowing, and I wanted it done so it wasn't something to worry about or so I didn't have to be around another sexual conversation feeling uncomfortable in the work canteen pretending I wasn't bothered (I worked with mostly 18-24 year old boys, so it did come up... a lot). When it did finally happen, it was honestly the most underwhelming experience ever. It really didn't effect me at all. Like is that it?
Don't get me wrong, I lost my virginity to a guy I really trusted and I commend for making it as comfortable as possible for a first time (it hurts and we bleed, and we're sore, and we're definitely not finishing), but it also meant now that it was done, I didn't know why people were going cray cray for it. Or if I actually wanted to do it again any time soon. So yeah, whatever. Next.
Of course since then, my opinion of sex has changed the more I've had it, and gratefully, the better it got. In my early twenties, I sadly attributed great sex, with the more I fancied the guy I was with, which is dumb. The sex wasn't great, I was just high off spending that time intimately with someone I really fancied, not getting what I needed or wanted out of the experience. But we live and we do learn.
Now I realise I sound like a woman's lifestyle magazine when I say this, but sex didn't get better for me until I started having sex with myself (OK that was definitely the most uncomfortable thing I've ever written). Rampant Rabbit; game changer. I have taken great (non-sexual) pleasure, in getting my friends on the band wagon. This includes convincing a close friend of mine to not call up her shitty ex-boyfriend simply because she was horny and get one of these for herself instead. Trust me, I got a lot of thank yous and as well as her keeping her sanity she also without a doubt came a lot harder.
With a vibrator, which is a purely selfish act if used alone, comes the bombshell of "OMG"(said loudly) "there is no denying that this is what an orgasm feels like!" , "So that's what men feel every single time?!" (because sex finishes when men do), or "oh wait, I can have sex to feel like this every time?" Yeah, yes you can. In fact fuck yes. To anyone who says, sex feels just as good even if you don't have an orgasm, you're lying. To yourself. Yes you can love someone, or be pleased you've satisfied the other person, or still have a great experience doing other things, but as good?! Nah sorry. Not buying it. I'm not saying it's the be all and end all, or you need to finish every time, but you having an orgasm is just as important as him so please get out of here with downplaying your needs in favour of his as the standard.
I don't even want to get started on faking it... who am I kidding?! Why is protecting a man's ego more important than your happiness?! If you're doing it to get it over with, then please re-evaluate what you are letting happen here!
Another massive epiphany for me, was how good sex got when you are in a secure relationship. Sure there's been occasions where sex with someone who isn't my boyfriend has been good, but that person is either just very generous and good at it, or it was a fluke. Sex gets better with the same person, the more you have it, so long as both parties are giving and taking. How can it not? I am 100% more likely to have an orgasm if I am completely comfortable (which means not nervous or self-conscious, and body-confident) with the person I'm with. You also get to learn what each other likes and how their body responds to things. It also takes it from vanilla (nothing wrong with that by the way) to trying new things. There's still a million things I haven't done, because those rights (FOR ME) are reserved for a husband only... to the grave, til the day we die.
There is nothing wrong with being a woman and wanting sex. It's completely natural. We have menstrual cycles which means hormonal fluctuations that literally try to force us to go hunting for it. Brain "Ooh your egg is in just the right place to get pregnant. GO HAVE SEX." It's fucking annoying. Just like when you wake up hungover and single. Seriously, the only good thing about being hungover, is hangover sex.
Biggest downside of being single; no regular sex and you never know what you're going to get. One of the biggest downsides of being in a relationship; feeling like you have to have sex all the time, otherwise something is wrong with you both. But sometimes we fancy sex... a lot, and sometimes we don't. Both is fine.
What about bad sex? How would you define bad sex? For me, there's just one way for it to be bad, and that's if it's selfish. Lazy sex isn't always bad, but selfish sex is. Anyone who doesn't listen to you, does something you have explicitly said you don't like or treat you like you're not in the same room, is a reason for me to not do it again. And that sums up the bad experiences I've had and I am in no way open to repeating that. It's a mutual act, act accordingly.
As I've gotten older, I've also gotten more picky about how sex comes about. I like a build up, I like the anticipation and I like having something to look forward to. I also enjoy sex much more with someone I really like, who I know likes me, and who I have developed feelings for. That means actually dating someone for a while before sex happens.
At this point in my life, I don't want to go through the effort and messiness of sex with someone I don't really like, no matter how hot they are, or how long it's been, or deal with the awkwardness of leaving or getting them to leave afterwards. If I don't want to share my bed with you to sleep, then I'm not sleeping with you in it.
I just can't be bothered because I'm not interested in that person enough and I don't think just anyone deserves to know me like that. I'm not slating casual sex if that's your thing, I just know when I feel good about sex during and afterwards and when I don't. Netflix and chill, really is, netflix and chill; alone, with my snacks and dog.
But the biggest point I'm trying to make with this article, is that there should be no "should" in sex other than it should feel good. If it doesn't make you feel good too, then there really is better out there. It's also a completely personal experience, which is different each time you do it, and each person you do it with. No one is really honest about the sex they are or aren't having either. You want to talk about sex? Great, do you. You don't want to talk about sex? Great, do you. You don't want to have sex? Great, do you. You only want to have sex when you're married? Great, do you. You don't care who you have sex with as long as you get some? Great, do you... safely please.
I'm going to sign this off by saying I hope that me being open and honest about my sex life (and I don't have one right now) has made you feel more comfortable with yours and to own whatever that looks like. At the end of the day, if you like getting Nakey Nakey Naked, then don't you dare be ashamed of it.
Yours
Unimpressed with Shaming Anyone x
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