"Self-Care" is a bit of a buzz term at the moment and I'm so for it, so it felt right to write a bit about it. With mental health now being in the public arena for discussion and the stigma slowly reducing, it's opened the door for people to feel that they can put taking care of themselves first, first.
What self-care is will differ completely depending on the person. It's not just bubble baths, massages and holidays, it's also deconstructing negative self-beliefs, letting go of toxic relationships, confronting your demons, and managing your emotional triggers too. It's what is going to make you feel better, even if it's difficult, even if it pisses some people off, and even if it means saying no to other things.
My self-care journey first became a conscious thought, when I was having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. My therapist asked me to create a box of things, that I could open up and enjoy, use or do when I was feeling down. That first box was things like bubble bath, a sketchbook and pencils, a novel, a candle, nail polish and herbal teas. They may seem like superficial items at first, but these were all things that I would do when I'd take time for myself. Through my CBT , I learned that I really started to feel stressed when I didn't have that. I'm an extroverted introvert, and I love my own company. The relationship I was in plus my job at the time meant I felt I was constantly on someone else's timetable, I was stretching myself too thing, and I felt exhausted. I even remember crying after an argument once, because I wanted to spend an hour at a hotel getting ready on my own, and not with his brother and his brother's girlfriend pre-drinking in the room. I wanted to be left alone and just have some time.
A few years down the line, my self-care has evolved a bit more. It's become about trying to manage my migraines and protecting my peace. The tools I used were:
- Regularly going to the gym (for stress-relief and endorphins for my head)
- Not always drinking even when that disappointed others
- Creating some friendship boundaries including letting go of a friendship that really made me feel bad about myself
- Emotionally unattaching from people who weren't going anywhere for the time being due to circumstances (not prioritising them or spending time with them if I didn't want to)
- Not doing what I didn't want to do
- Not trying to maintain friendships on my own and releasing all guilt from recognising my lack of effort matched theirs
- Keeping promises to myself including not going out more than two nights in a row
Quite a list right!
Outside of the current lockdown situation, a favourite part of putting myself first is what I call a "Danielle Day". I have a day of every weekend (unless I'm away) that I spend on my own. This is usually a Sunday and it's spent having a good long sleep, a yummy breakfast, a big gym session, a bubble bath, finished off with a long afternoon and evening of netflix and chill on the sofa with lots of snacks. I'm usually on my phone too at this point, but not always responding to whatsapps.. more scrolling social media. I love every bit of my Danielle Days and I feel rested going into a busy week. If I don't get a "Danielle Day" for a couple of weeks in a row, I really feel it, and it negatively impacts my mood. They're a non-negotiable and I won't give them up unless I really want to do something else, or it's something that I choose to prioritise (for example important times with my friends and family).
Speaking of whatsapps, I think as a generation, we feel under pressure to constantly be available to anyone who wants to speak to us. I'm learning to reject that obligation. Just because there are a million and one ways to contact you, it doesn't mean you have to respond right away. Even if they see blue ticks, you can read something but not want to respond right then, and you don't owe an explanation. This goes for everyone; parents and partners included. Why should you drop what you're doing because someone wants your attention right now? Isn't it better to respond to people when you're ready and when you want to? Your energy will be better and that's nicer for you and the person you're speaking to. I'm not saying be an arsehole and never get back to people or respond after weeks, I'm just saying you're not only here for other people, you're here for yourself too and what you are doing at that moment matters as well.
I've particularly struggled with this but recognised I'm the one putting an unnecessary pressure on myself. In my job we're measured on response times; we need to acknowledge clients within 15 minutes, and send full responses within 2 hours. The problem, was that this was overflowing into my own life, because if my flatmate is texting me while I'm at work (and we receive hundreds of emails a day), I'm working it into my priority list at work and responding to them too. WTF?! So I've stopped. Yeah I saw you messaged me but no I can't talk to you right now. Sometimes this means I've got my phone face down on the desk too so I'm not distracted. I'll check my phone when I want to not because the notifications are popping off (my phone is always on silent and no vibration).
In lockdown, this has meant telling my flatmate no, when he walks over and asks me to help him with something while I'm working "No, I'm at work right now, and i'm in my office". I know I sound like a bitch but when I'm at work, that's what I'm doing. That's my priority.
Most recently, if you've read my article on "Thoughts" you will know that I'm also working on my relationship with myself as part of my self-care. It's been easier in lockdown, but my mornings have changed. I'll start with a glass of water, and taking Frankie (my dog) out. I don't look at my phone. I then make myself a cup of tea, take my notebook to bed, and set my intentions for the day as well as recognise how I'm feeling. I enjoy every sip of that tea too as I'm trying to cut it down because of my migraines. I then meditate using my calm app for 10 - 20 minutes before showering and getting ready. Only then do I check my phone and set up for work. It's become a bit of a religion recently, and I've fallen in love with it. When I feel rushed in the morning (like when I overslept the other day), I start my day on the backfoot and I'm notably more negative .
Of course, my day and life can be pretty selfish because I am single and other than Frank, I'm not responsible for anyone else. But I do think everyone would benefit from carving out time for their own self-care whatever that looks like. I know it's easier said than done because life gets in the way, but that's the whole point. You need to make yourself a priority too. There's that famous saying that you can't pour from an empty cup, and I've found it's so so true. If I'm not happy and being the best person I can be, then the people in my life aren't getting the best of me either. It also keeps me sane and makes my life more enjoyable for me, which is what it should be! It's your life, not other people's.
Anyway I'm ranting now, I just really want anyone who reads this, to take away one message of "Please don't feel selfish for putting yourself first". It's necessary and it's only going to benefit the people in your life, who truly love you and want the best for you. If your self-care is a problem to them, then that's a whole other evaluation you need to make, and maybe you do set some boundaries and address your self-care that way.
I hope you have the courage to really think about what it is you need from life, and make the necessary changes to get just that. Even if it's hard.
Yours,
Selfishly Self-Cared For x
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