Let's talk... Pedestals in Relationships

I think it's a natural thing for men and women, to put people they really "like" on to a pedestal when they first start getting to know them. And with an unrealistic pedestal there is also expectations and then sadly disappointment if you don't go at a pace where you are taking moments for what they are instead of projecting all of the potential you think you see on to them. The other sad part of this pedestal placing, is that it also means you are giving someone else higher regard then you are for yourself, your feelings, your wants and your needs. I am 100% guilty of this and part of that club. When I'm excited by someone, my mind starts instantly racing about all the future things we can do together, what a relationship with them would look like (in my head), all of our potential cute Instagram photos (you do this too, don't lie), what my friends and family would think of them, and catastrophically how happy all of this is going to make me when it of course happens.

Then when none of this happens (because for the most of part I don't really get past date two the majority of the time) I am disappointed. I can say I'm less disappointed than I used to be, because dating is so easy today, I could feel this every week if I really wanted to torture myself.

But what happens when we are doing this in the almost relationships and actual relationships? When we put the needs and wants of this other person before our own? I know the answer in theory is easy - it's not healthy. But in reality, it takes a severe amount of self-awareness to realise what you're doing, when you're doing it.

That pedestal means you are are likely to be turning up a version of yourself that you think they will like, not how you really are. Instead you show up edited, usually an improved version of your daily self, and then when it doesn't work out, that rejection is going to hurt more because in your head you couldn't have done more than you already did. How could they not like me?! I was so lovely to them. I always made sure I looked good. I was always listening to their stories, being a little ray of sunshine and hilarious. I gave them everything they wanted in bed. I made so much effort. It even sounds exhausting writing this out. The fact that I do this in real life is giving me all the cringe feelings. In reality they aren't even rejecting the real you, they are rejecting the person you tried to be... for them. So let me tell you about this week where for the first time with this particular guy, I turned up not doing this when I previously always had been. Where with this man I was once crazy about, I turned up at his flat in my jogging bottoms, hair in a bun (which wasn't put together to look like I hadn't tried but really I had), big-t-shirt, no bra (so my dears weren't hoisted up to my chin), trainers on (he'd only ever seen me in heels), and not a scrap of make up on my face. OK I'm lying, I had a bit of concealer and lip gloss on. I wasn't trying but I wasn't going to turn up looking completely raw. I needed a tiny bit of help to say "I'm flawless however I turn up motherfuckerrrr". Back story first. This moment happened after 2 years of back and forth with a person I had no hope in hell of working out, and who actually had no idea who I actually was. This wasn't just my fault either. I'll explain... We met at Ascot (horse racing) when I was dolled up to the 9's but also very drunk and so was letting my whole personality out with no filter and without any thought. Alcohol just gets me like that. I'm also very head strong (to put it politely) when I've had a drink. I will not do a single thing, I do not want to do. This is me, take it or leave it. I could learn a few things from drunk Danielle if I'm honest but I don't see her very much any more.

Anyway he was into me and he was fit, so I went out with him a couple weeks later on one of the best first dates I ever had. It was champagne at the Corinthia Hotel (5* in London for those who aren't familiar) followed by dinner in Soho (Central London), and then a trip to the Casino where I won over £1000 on the roulette table, playing with his money. It was therefore topped off by going home over £300 richer (he made his money back we split the winnings). I didn't sleep with him that night but when I cooked him dinner the next time I saw him, it quickly fell into a very comfortable situation which had all the makings of a new relationship. I really liked this guy and I was getting to know him very well over the next 2 months (or so I thought...). This man was ex-SAS (a man's man, just how I like 'em) ran his own business, had even bought a new puppy during this time, had his own place and did I mention he was hot?! He was also very, very funny (the piece de resistance). But there were some red flags that even during this exciting time I was getting frustrated by but continued to look past hoping they would sort themselves out. There's that expectation again because I wasn't taking things for the way they were.

The first night I stayed at his overnight, he got up the next morning and left me. He went to work and didn't say goodbye. He worked for himself and could work any hours he chose and he also didn't tell me he would be getting up at the crack of dawn (5am) to do this. This also wouldn't have been an issue the 2nd, 3rd or 4th night I'd been there but as this was the first time I'd stayed with him it stung a little. I'd just got back from Singapore (work) two days before, I was extremely jet-lagged (and by staying even less sleep) but wanted to see him despite the tiredness, and although I had work the next day, I imagined we'd have a lovely morning together. Not to mention I didn't know how the fuck to work his shower. A kiss goodbye would have been nice at a minimum. So to wake up in an empty flat, with not quite the morning I imagined, dying from jet lag, I was left asking myself "why did I stay and compromise my own well-being for that first day back at work for a guy who couldn't be bothered to say goodbye the next morning?".

Expectation up there, reality down here. You might think I'm expecting too much but my standard means I also wouldn't have left him in my flat the first time he stayed without saying a word. But did I bring it up and address it? No. I just made sure I didn't stay overnight at his again unless he was planning on being there the next day. Read: editing what I wanted. The biggest red flag was that he was extremely selfish in bed. First few times I could allow, but once it got past the "this is new and I can't help being overexcited" I realised that he literally just didn't care how it felt for me. There were steps between this obvs, I don't expect him to be a mind reader, but after said steps were taken, nothing changed.

This was followed by the next red flag being that since we'd slept together the first time (so effort was no longer required to get to that point) he'd not asked me a single question to get to know me. I knew a lot about him, but he wouldn't even ask me with a genuine interest of how my day had been. So maybe I shouldn't have been surprised really that after spending the entire weekend together I never heard from him again. He disappeared altogether. Not that I'm defending him but I don't think I was a real person to him. I was disposable and convenient at the time. Also the SAS has got to emotionally stunt him a little bit? I found out he'd gone AWOL when I texted him as normal and got no response. I also called him the next day worried, and got no response. But those whatsapp ticks soon turned blue, and after replaying everything over in my head thinking "did I say something or do something that had upset him?" I also got no response. It hurt like fuck and it was my fault too. I'd ignored the flags, my own feelings and entered a situation where it was all give, give, give and not thought enough about it or asked for what I deserved from it too. It wasn't until a year later, when he re-emerged and asked me to go to dinner, that we actually saw each other again. I decided I would go (to the dismay of my friends - I didn't even tell my mum for the shame or telling off) because I wanted to ask him outright what happened. I knew he had the ability to ghost off a message, so only a face to face would get to the bottom of it. I went on the date (looking fineeeeee) and it was another expensive night out like the first date we'd had. He acted as if absolutely nothing had happened which was a kind of mind fuck in itself really. I finally plucked up the courage to ask him "so what happened last year?" and for someone who is supposed to know how to survive enemy interrogation, I have never seen a man squirm so much in my life. His reply of "we weren't really texting that much" and shaking it off, didn't explain it at all but with him being so uncomfortable that it made me equally uncomfortable and me no longer being invested in this man, I changed the subject. I wasn't going to get any of the answers I needed here. He isn't someone I can have an honest conversation with and even looking as hot as I did and wanting him to realise what he'd been missing out on, it was a no go. 6 months later, I got on the merry go round YET again. OK i can hear you now "what are you doing?!" but let me first say, eyes wide open, it was comfortable way to scratch an itch without feeling any kind of responsibility towards the person I was doing it with. So a late night booty call on New Year's Eve (after I'd rung it in with friends - I'm not completely irrational) and having a particularly long dry patch, I thought why not. This time I saw him in a completely different light too. Yes, he's very attractive, I will never take that away from him, but he was no longer Mr Amazing. He was Mr Something isn't quite right here, but I'll take what I came for tonight. The night itself was actually great, maybe it was those no expectations? We talked crap until the sun came up and had lazy not selfish sex (who knew?) multiple times. I got an uber home, he texted me "I really like you" (most he'd ever touched on the subject to be honest) and then we didn't speak for 6 weeks. We had another two nights like this in a 2 week period; always with no notice, and always just at his, that when I went to the bathroom at 3am and saw expensive feminine face creams and Dove deodorant on the side (not in his cabinets thank you very much), it clicked. OMG, HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND.

p.s Favourite Meme Ever. I mean think about it. He ghosted me (we met about 10 days after he broke up with his ex), he disappears for months at a time, he never gives me any notice whatsoever when he'd like for us to see each other, he has no intention whatsoever of getting to know me properly and he purposely never explains himself. I left in the middle of the night with him snoring away and no goodbye given (what's good for him, was now good for me). When he texted me the next morning "ouch" i asked him outright "do you have a gf? And I'm asking because I saw women's toiletries in your bathroom" and guess what I got? .You guessed it... no response. I decided to then follow up a few days later "I'm deleting your number. Don't contact me again". Done n' Dusted. 5 months later here we are again and back to the night in question. Mr Ghoster messages me out of nowhere saying he was really hurt that I asked him that and by doing so I had basically called him a "c*nt". He added that he had developed feelings for me this last time (news to me) and I'd ruined it. So I was actually directly honest for the first time ever in response and said it was a very appropriate question given the way he'd treated me and would he rather me ask or ghost him, like he did? Point made, he asked if we could talk and curiosity killed the cat.

So here we are, me back at his, dressed like a teenage boy, not caring for the first time that this is me and taking my power back. The entire evening we talked, and the entire evening I was honest. Not a complete cow, but I said some things. And do you know what, I think he liked it. Not that this is the point of the article because it's not about him at all, let me get back to that. The point is, I'd gotten to the place where he wasn't on a pedestal any more, and by showing up as myself, hair slicked back and all, for once I did not care what he thought about me. I cared what I was going to get from the meet up and how I felt instead. That I am and always was more than enough for him, even when there with legs in trackie bottoms that hadn't seen a razor for a period of time much longer than I'd like to admit. I also had the realisation that I hadn't been paying attention to what I wanted or needed from this situationship at all and that was even when initially I'd hoped would turn into something more. What on earth was I doing to myself?

I want and so need someone who was going to pay an interest in me. Genuinely. Someone who would care about how I felt, who would want to reassure me when I felt vulnerable as a result of their shady behaviour, and who knew how to communicate like an adult. Looking at him clearly for the first time, I realised, he was never going to give me that however he felt about me. Even on this night, he never asked how I'd been, what I'd been doing or how I felt. I told him, but he didn't ask any more than I gave him. I left on good terms of course, because there's nothing better than leaving a guy thinking you really don't care any more. I'm pretty sure he thinks we're back on track but he never asked me outright so that's for him to work out - two can play that game. I have decided from this today, that I want to continue showing up as my actual self in dating now going forward and take things as they are. If the men I am dating are not meeting my minimum standard (not expectation) then I'm going to address it too. None of this edited version. I'll still polish up for a date (I'm not stupid) but I'm not apologising or pretending I don't have feelings any more. I felt powerful last night, not vulnerable. I was there in my comfort zone (and comfortable clothes) saying this is how I felt and I'm not saying sorry. The saddest twist of it all is that I think he likes me more now for it but as much as it was nice to hear that he actually does think I'm worth being with, I don't actually believe that's enough of a reason to give him another shot. Just because someone else values you, it doesn't mean you have to give them a space in your life. I value me and i know other people value me too. I don't want to have to batter myself to get to that point either. Although I'm wrong for not showing up as my real self for so long, I still didn't deserve the way he treated me. I'm also not sorry he realised this late that he should talk to me. Unfortunately I've known for the at least the last 4 months that I am the shit (check my happiness article) and because of that, I've also realised he doesn't deserve a 4th chance at this.

So here I am promising myself that the next guy I meet, is going to get the real me from the start because I'm not going to have anyone steal more time from me that I could be giving to myself, or trying to make them realise who I am. No thank you, I'm good. And I hope you can do that too. Life is too short to waste your buffness and amazingness on men who don't deserve you giving them everything they want and need, and getting nothing out of it for yourself, from the beginning. Not later. This rhetoric of women needing to put up with a man's bullshit to eventually be appreciated isn't right either. Get you a person who knows what they have, when they have it. Or give it to yourself darling.

Yours, Unimpressed with Pedestals x