I can feel it already - this is going to divide some opinions. So let me start by getting the first disclaimer out of the way; This is not the only truth. This is just how I (and my own single female friends who I have obviously discussed this with) may interpret men's online dating profiles. I also thought that there was never a better time to share this on here because with lockdown slowly lifting, I predict single people, dating like it's going out of style. I am not even going to pretend to exclude myself from that group because it's been a long time since I've had a flirt up. So much so that I recently rejoined a couple dating apps and by instantly being reminded of all the things that men put on their online profiles which are just obviously not "right" (see what I did there?!) I thought this could be helpful. Plus you never know, the karma of this public service announcement for any of my male readers who might be interested in upping their game may land me a hottie for my trouble. Would be nice, wouldn't it?
Next disclaimer; I (re)joined Hinge and Bumble so come find me (I'm joking) because I just can't with Tinder. I did download it temporarily but I then swiftly deleted it when one of the first profiles I saw said "looking to impregnate someone". I'm not joking. Another memorable favourite I read; "I've got milk for a hungry girl". Yeah... let that sit with you for a minute. Some of these men really do belong behind screens. So I would also like to state that these tit bits of some women's opinions, are for men who are actually looking to date someone normal and are normal in return, not for men pretending to be Massimo in 365 Days.
Let's get into it...
Tip 1) Have a photo of your face
Seems obvious doesn't it? And I'm not even referring to the men *cough Tinder* who share shirtless bodies without heads. I'm talking about the guys who wear sunglasses in every. single. photo. or are candidly (but not candid at all) looking anywhere but straight on. This isn't about blind dating, and even if you're not a fan of your face, if you show it, you'll be more likely to find someone who is. Give it a go.
Tip 2) Have more than one photo
Again, it might seem obvious and if you're hot, it's even more of a red flag - because it just can't be you. You're either a catfish who can't remember where they got the photo from or if it is you, the likelihood that it's from 10 years ago or pre-weight gain is also sky high. In the age of when everyone knows how to take a selfie, even putting a selfie as a 2nd photo, is better than just one photo however it's taken,
Tip 3) Don't just have selfies
While I'm on the subject, let's talk selfies. Anyone who knows me, knows I love a good selfie. I like capturing when I feel good. I am also a complete hypocrite, because I think it's totally cringe when a guy does it. Unless of course there's other people in it, or it's fancy dress for example. But I'll be kind and forgive a good selfie, so long as that's not all you've got.
Tip 4) Don't use children or pets that aren't yours for "Awws"
It's transparent and it actually makes you look a bit sad if you think all women care about screaming ovaries. Mine rarely even hum. So if you have a child, I 100% agree with you having a photo on there with them if you want to (not that you have to show their face) as it's a good way to quickly show that you are a Dad because not all women want to date men with children. Pets... I'm torn. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think it's a reason for me to swipe. You can say you have a dog or cat in your profile if you really want to, but is that a reason you even want someone to swipe? It's also not the most confident trait. I have a Frenchie who is probably in 75% of my photos on Social Media since getting him, but he's not on my profile for dating. As a big part of my life he'll naturally come into conversation, but a wannabe dog owner just isn't what I'm looking for.
Right so now you matched. Woo. What are some red flags before a date is even made...
Tip 5) Being hot isn't an excuse to make no effort
Whether you like small talk or not, a date isn't going to happen without exchanging at least a few messages. We all know it's boring. Make a joke of it if you want to. We all know now too, that no one cares how you're coping in lock down. But believe me no one who is interested in anything worthwhile, wants to go on a date with someone who doesn't know how to ask a question or show they'd be interested or interesting enough to go on a date with. There's no way in hell I'm getting dressed up and leaving my house for someone who is hard work before it's even started. Thank you, Next.
Tip 6) No one wants a pen pal
If you're on dating apps to get attention when you need it with no real intention of following through, please bore off. No one deserves their time being wasted. I don't even flirt with people I'm not interested in but I have learned that, that's a me thing. If you need attention, why not pay for someone's time on Only Fans if that's what you're looking for? At least both parties know what's going on. It all gets very old, very quickly, and anyone who has a life isn't going to keep it up. Ask them out and save some conversation for the date or move on.
Tip 7) Don't ask why they are on the app or what they want
The clue is in the name. It's also in their profile if they want to be even more helpful. So I don't know, maybe to date? If anyone asks me this, I answer "I'm looking for a man to pay for my existence while i sleep with other people". Please get a new question. "What do you like doing in your free time?" as much as it's cliche, will tell you what the person is looking for from the person they want to date. But "to date" isn't an answer anyone wants to point out.
Tip 8) Don't have zero information whatsoever or specifically if your profile is on Hinge, don't have the same answer under every question
It's not funny, it's not endearing and it's definitely not mysterious. What it is, is lazy. If you can't be bothered to type a sentence, I can't be bothered to consciously swipe the other way to my automated response... to the left, to the left.
Tip 9) Please don't reference sex
It's never smooth, and no matter how subtle you think it is, it screams "I need it. Badly". You are more likely to get lucky with most women, if you take us out and try and get us naked at the end of the date like a gentleman. Jumping the gun over an app, will more often than not send you in the other direction and give that poor woman, the creeps.
Tip 10) Don't ghost after making plans
If you've put on your medium boy pants (because this is over messenger) and asked a woman out, then please also put on your big boy pants and cancel like a man.It takes minimal effort and it's not fair to waste someone's time. If it's a case of you can't this time, but still interested, you are 90% more likely (completely made up percentage but you get the point) to get a 2nd chance. But if you disappear, any woman with a good amount of self-respect is not going to let you waste her time twice. So ghosting at this point, takes you from a stranger on the internet, to a strange stranger who has the maturity and decency of a hyena.
Tip 11) Don't ask for a phone number instantly
I reallyyyyyy wanted to make these 10 tips only, but once I popped I just couldn't stop. My final tip. Now that apps have the option to call and video call because of lockdown, asking someone for their phone number as soon as you've said "hi" says "I collect phone numbers to inflate my ego, and have no intention on using them or only when I'm bored/horny". I personally, am uncomfortable with men I don't know at all, having my phone number. I purposely do not display my surname on hinge, but with a phone number a guy can track you down to your Instagram, Facebook (friends and family) and even your place of work (Linkedin). It's also not healthy. I sometimes will go as far as not giving my phone number out until we've met, because any guy who is genuinely interested in you will respect you not wanting to give out your number to any Tom, Dick or Harry who pays you a compliment. If you can message on Whatsapp, you message on a dating app too. Don't be an entitled eager beaver.
Tip 12) Don't expect a match to prioritise you
OK my final, final tip. I know this might sound contradictory to points made about effort previously and I understand that really slow replies are boring, but being crazy or demanding about responding immediately, is quite frankly, nuts. You don't know this person yet and they don't know you. It would be weird if they did make you a priority when they should be present in their life. Making an effort is valuable because it is an effort, not because they have nothing better to do. Do not be that person who gets in a huff because your match has had a crazy day at work, plans in the evening, and took the time to message you back the next day. If it's a week later I get it, but a day? You need to have a word with yourself.
Yours,
Unimpressed with Lazy Dating x
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