First of let me say very clearly that this is not a pregnancy announcement (lift your jaws back up please). I am definitely NOT pregnant. I also want to say that I do not for one second think I know what motherhood is really like because I don't have kids. What I do know though, is that like every other woman in our society, I am expected to know whether I want to have children or not, and I have been feeling the pressure now more than ever to make that decision.
This decision is very different for women than it is for men, simply because we have a biological clock and so the notion of "let's see what happens" is very alien. Men may (I assume because I'm not one) decide when they want to have kids by, but if they don't meet that, then that's OK because it isn't a time sensitive decision they ever have to make and they can still change their mind at any point in their life (given they are fertile) to try for a baby.
Women are also still conditioned to think that being a woman means being a mum at some point. If you say you don't want children (not you can't have them, but don't actually want them) then your femininity is called into question because you must not have that maternal instinct. No one will admit that's what they think, but let's be real, we think that about ourselves too (if you don't, hats off to you). Men on the other hand are never really asked if they want children unless by a woman they are dating or if they're married. Their friends or family might ask, but they're not emotionally invested in the answer if is a no.
The reason this topic came to my mind now as something to write about, is because my current view on whether I want to have children (and it has changed), is honestly "I just don't know". In thinking about this a lot lately I also had the realisation that the most interesting thing about that has been that by admitting that to myself it hasn't felt at all comfortable and so I've got to let myself be OK with that answer.
My answer of "I don't know" isn't an ignorant one either. I don't know, because of what I do know already. Two of my friends are mums (one is pregnant with her second now), and what I have seen of their own parenting experience has understandably influenced my decision. My first friend had her daughter back in the first year of uni, so she is now already in secondary school. After having her, my friend confided in me a few years later that she didn't want another one because she'd only just got her career and her life back on track to where she wanted to be financially and freedom-wise given the sacrifices she'd made in her early twenties. So much so, that when she told me she was pregnant again, I was surprised. It wasn't planned and while she and her boyfriend (it's his first) are looking forward to having the baby (gender still not yet known), she was very honest that if it wasn't an accident, it wouldn't be happening for those same reasons.
My other close friend is the Mum of a 6 year old gorgeous boy, who has autism. He is the loveliest little man, but she was up until recently, raising him on her own. I know there have been some really hard times for her. Especially surrounding getting the support she really needed with his autism and even in finding a job that will cater to the hours that would work as a parent who couldn't afford childcare and needed to be around to pick him up and drop him off at school.
In my home, my Mum had my youngest brother when I was in my first year of uni, and it was probably the best form of contraception I ever received. I love my little brother to bits, but being around a new born baby and then a toddler in my early twenties was a very different experience to growing up with my other siblings. The constant attention and the fact that if there was ever a moment of silence when he was out of sight, you had to find out immediately what he was doing - it just looked exhausting. I loved that I could get all the wonderful experiences of first words, phrases and moments etc. but without the responsibility. The first time he said my name "oh my Dan!" to telling me "I will miss you tomorrow" and that he really did want to marry me, are honestly my fondest memories of him being really young. However! When him, my mum and I were out together, people often assumed he was mine. It was a regular knee jerk rejection for me to go "He's hers" before I'd say anything else. Make no illusions, I got no joy out of people thinking I was a Mum.
As mentioned in my "About" section, I was also responsible for my 12 year old brother at the age of 23, from Monday to Friday for a year. My mum was living with her boyfriend and my baby brother when my Dad went to prison and so she would stay on the weekends. Losing that responsibility when I went back to Uni after placement year, because she could then move everyone in (and me out - no bedroom) was freeing. I can also vividly remember the responsibility of being the older sibling in a working class home where both parents worked full time and started shifts early. It was my job to get my youngest brother up for school each morning (or summer club in the holidays) and take him to his childminder's. This meant I had to walk 45 minutes each morning instead of getting the bus like everyone else. Not a big deal now, but as a teenager back then, getting him up and dressed as well as myself, it actually was.
So basically from the minute I moved out of home, I've felt less responsible than I did when I was younger. Having other people rely on you, is a weight you have to carry and I've loved how selfish my life has been, ever since.
I always thought I wanted kids too, but being in my early 30's now and being single, the more I experience and build a life around me I love, the less I want to change it. The possibility is also very real. Thinking about kids realistically at this point means considering freezing my eggs (costs a fortune at around £6-7K), or saving to support myself throughout a maternity period if I want to do it on my own (sperm donor or adoption) - my company's maternity pay is shocking. I'm also saving for my own place in London which is hard enough to do on your own with no handy inheritance, so my income only stretches so far.
If I did have kids I also don't want to do it on my own. I wouldn't want children for the sake of them, I'd want to build a family and share that with someone else. But does that mean I should settle now, because it would take meeting someone sharpish for having kids being an option in a few years time? The answer to all of the options now, is no. I don't want to compromise on future security for a year off work. I don't want to shell out a load of money for a procedure which isn't even guaranteed to work. And I don't want to put any pressure on myself to meet someone for that reason only. So the only option is to rethink what I once thought instead to "what will be will be" and "if it happens, it will at the right time for the right reasons". Taking away the idea that this is something I need to control too, is a huge weight off my shoulders and let's me feel even happier in the present. Why beat myself up about it or worse, give myself a hard time trying to explain all that to someone just because they ask? I am allowed to say, I don't know. End of conversation. Also, it's nobody's fucking business so that should be enough.
So if anyone else reads this and needs to hear it; you are allowed to choose not to settle, not to make life changing decisions if you aren't in a place to decide, and you don't have to prepare for the worse. You can just - let it be. We are extremely fortunate to live in a society where we do have options even if it's after the clock stopped ticking. Having kids is a beautiful thing however you do it and not having kids doesn't make your life any less beautiful or importantly any less womanly. So if you are feeling the weight of your own judgement, why not change the way you look at it and live and think for now, instead of later.
Yours,
Danielle x
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