Lockdown again and it's fucking shit. I've seen so many memes about only now understanding what it means to be at the end of your tether, and I wholeheartedly, 100% agree. I am so far past the end of my tether, I am sleeping 12 hours on a weekend, and then taking a 4 hour nap in the afternoon. That means when I am not on the clock, I'm opting for16 hours of sleep to avoid the world right now, and yet I'm. still. tired. Because it's all just so EXHAUSTING.
But let me be clear - I am not tired of staying home to save lives. I am not tired of hearing about hard the NHS have it, because they do. I am not tired of sharing information for people who may be struggling with their mental health or contemplating suicide. I am not tired of seeing people working out together at home with either the body coach or the countless other fitness influencers who are putting on free content. I am also not tired of spending quality time with my dog, feeling grateful for central heating during a cold winter, avoiding the tube or being in comfies 99% of the time.
What's exhausting, is the not knowing and the hypocrisy of it all. Of Not knowing how long this is all going to go on for. How long the push and pull of "eat out to help out" , to take 5 days for Christmas, to take none after you've spent all of your money on food and drink as it'll be the first time your family will be together for months, to one walk a day to unlimited a day, back to one time a day (I think?), to tier 2, to tier 3, to "ooh we've just created tier 4".
For not knowing how long I am still going to be able to hang on and keep my job. How every month I don't know if my hours will be reduced, I'll be placed on more furlough, if people are coming back, of working the hours I need to. To personally having to know every different country that bans us and how long for within hours because Boris likes to announce that we are the most contagious country in the world 5 days before Christmas. A timing that couldn't be more perfect for when people will be taking trips overseas to go back home after another recent lockdown (2.0) despite the government knowing about the new strain for weeks.
To not knowing when I'll be able to go back to the gym because being female means that exercising outside after 4pm right now is a no go. To not knowing when I am going to be able to see my friends and family again because I am moving to a new city in a few weeks and I don't know when I'll be allowed back. To not knowing when I can get my roots done or nails done and so how long I will feel so rubbish about my appearance that I'm not even brushing my hair or shaving my armpits.
To not knowing all of this, while knowing that New Zealand have just lifted all of their COVID restrictions because they made the difficult decisions, Boris et al has flip flopped over for the best part of a year. We've been given both the shitty ends of the stick. The government with it's constant back and forth has not only brought entire industries to their knees but it's also battered the economy and not protected it's people. And still, we're in a worse position now, than we first started. Yes we have the vaccine being rolled out but wtf. Imagine we didn't? How were they ever going to get us out of it? Just like Boris' speeches, it's a bumbling, stuttering, going no where soon mess.
I am also tired of not feeling OK. A friend actually said to me the other day "I called because I know you're not always happy" (lucky I love him). He didn't mean it to sound the way it did and he was also smashed after a virtual works' drinks so I found it very funny, but it made me realise how miserable I must always seem. I feel like every day is tough, so I am also sitting here not knowing if maybe I should be coping better than I am? Maybe I am not as strong as other people and I am failing in some way because I do have it pretty good, all things considered.
So I decided I'd write this instead. Because I am sure there are other people putting on brave faces and crying behind closed doors. That maybe if we all knew really how shit everyone was feeling, and I mean really, not just what we say in jest and hiding behind the memes that we share, there would be some more comradery and kindness. So we don't have people outside St Thomas' hospital protesting that COVID is a conspiracy in front of exhausted Doctors and Nurses. Salt in wound. For people who are really suffering to say it and not be afraid to say it. I am really struggling and I can't add guilt or trying to appear happier on top of that, so I'm not going to.
So please let's normalise that this is fucking shit, that we are actually being led by sheep and the selfish tory wankers don't actually really give a shit about us. In fact the reason they care about this pandemic more than the pandemics of poverty, starvation, unemployment, racism and mental health which are rife in this country, is because this pandemic hits them in the pocket... somewhat. They can still hire nanny's to do their children's home schooling while they work from the comfort of a home they own outright and aren't in jeopardy of being evicted from (there is still no real help for renters behind on their payments).They don't need to worry about paying for school lunches for their kids, and can still retreat to their country homes or do a Dominic Cummings and flout the rules entirely if they want to avoid it altogether. That the government is on one hand arresting two women taking a socially distanced walk in the park, but letting reality TV stars piss off on Dubai holidays and publicise it in the name of "work" with no repercussions despite only essential travel being permitted. Good news today though, they'll at least have to quarantine on return from the UAE. To state that if you're not already aware, that this lockdown has proved beyond doubt, that the pandemic in the UK is only really going to damage the poor irreconcilably and to add a cherry on the cake, we're being told that it's all our fault while they're at it.
It's not your fault. We're struggling because it's been made extremely fucking difficult and much more difficult than it needed to be. And not only do you not have to feel bad about it but you don't have to think that it's something you need to fix. We pay our taxes, this is what they are paid to do. And we are being failed right now. Your body isn't failing, your mind isn't failing, your government is failing. So please know it's not your fault and I promise, you are doing much better than you think you are.
Yours,
Unimpressed with Half-Arsed Lockdowns
Comments