I am a goal-orientated person. I'm only slim because I have a holiday planned (fat person in me constantly needs to be starved to stay dormant), I only get out of bed to do an earlier shift because I have plans that evening, I only leave extra time to get to where I'm going so I can be on time (or not that late) and wear heeled boots, I work out to eat later, and I save money because I'm planning on spending it... and not just for a rainy day. I don't do things for the sake of them and I have always been a bit like that about life too.
Every role I've had in my career has been a step to get to the next one and importantly to earn more money. So if it's not significantly more money, I'm not taking on significantly more responsibility either. I work to live, I don't live to work, but then with working to live... lately I've found myself asking "what exactly am I living for now?" (not in a dark way!... just figuring out where it's all heading).
This time of year, everyone reflects with their new year's resolutions and it feels even more pressured this year because it's not just a new year but a new decade. I've been reflecting for a good month now, because I'm not as happy as I could be right now. Work is draining the life out of me, and I've been burnt out. I've not been focusing on my health and fitness like I was for the first half of this year and I haven't been feeling well. Importantly though, I think I've just been living day to day without scheduling in things that make me happy and I've been really feeling it.
If I were to write a list of resolutions for next year, there is far too many for me to even half achieve. Writing them down (privately soz not soz), I realised that not one was work-related. So either I don't care enough about work (wrong) or that's where I've been focusing all my energy and I want to do more for myself (right) in 2020 because I haven't been doing it for a long time.
I understand why too. At the moment my biggest life goal is to own my own place, and so all my energy is going into work, because work = money. However I've been miserable this last month so I've been spending money like there's no tomorrow to cheer myself up. It's been counter-productive because instead of saving, I'm splurging and I've not even enjoyed it (that much) because I've been giving myself a hard time about it. But then again what is the point of working so hard if you can't spend it right?!
As my Mum says to me all the time (and she can be right sometimes), you have to live as well. I don't have a mortgage or kids so I should be selfish with the money I've earned and the free time I have, in the present, not just the future. Life goals are good, but I could get hit by a car tomorrow and it's all over, so why am I waiting to enjoy myself? I've realised I haven't got the balance right for a really long time now so rather than just "life goals", I need a bit more "yolo" too.
I've started by booking an amazing holiday in March with one of my friends to Miami and Cancun and part of that means I need to stop feeling bad about how much it's costing. What I need to do, is be excited, go and love every second of it (and get skinny beforehand). But more importantly I need to really start living more in the now. I need to stop putting off seeing friends because I've saved too much this month and am broke from that, I need to switch off from work the second I leave the building so I can go and enjoy a gym session instead of going home and to bed early because I'm in a bad mood. I need to start saying "no" to selfish friends or just things I don't want to do in general, so instead I have the time to prioritise the things that I enjoy doing. This includes dance classes, the gym, blogging and I am also going to do a part time evening course in painting at a London University because I really miss it as a hobby.
And I can do all of that as well as save money. It might take a little longer, but I'd rather that than look back and realise I now own a place but getting into it has left me miserable.
I guess I just wanted to document this conversation I've been having in my head for a few weeks now which is, yes have life goals but remember to enjoy your life as well. No one else is going to prioritise that for you, so be selfish, unapologetic about it, and have a good time. Otherwise you've got the goals but for what kind of life?!
Yours,
Unimpressed and Selfish in 2020
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