Let's talk... It's not me, it's you.

First let me state that I am fully aware that the saying is "It's not you, it's me" but let's not pretend otherwise, we all know this actually means the title of this blog post.

Getting pied sucks. It doesn't matter who it comes from or how invested you were (or not), it's a kick in the teeth. But if you're going to put yourself out there, it's part and parcel of the dating experience. As someone who has been rejected and done my fair share of rejecting, it doesn't matter how someone says it or if you even liked 'em (this is just annoying), it's never nice to hear that basically someone just doesn't like you enough.

It doesn't matter if the reason is "I'm going through a divorce", "work is crazy at the moment", "I'm not looking for anything serious right now" or "I've realised I'm not over my ex". Truth is, if they had made the effort to spend time with you in the first place, then they're putting themselves out there for a reason, but unfortunately that reason doesn't mean it will add up to you. We've all seen or understand "He's just not that into you" so I won't harp on about this point except to say, that you know yourself that even if your house was burning down, work was making you miserable, you were saving money or you did have lingering feelings for someone else, if you're into someone, you're not going to stop seeing them for their sake (please, no one if that selfless).

What I do want to make a point of though, is that as much as it is a Debbie Downer to receive such a message (and it does sting), that wallop is more often than not, your ego taking a blow not your heart (drama queens take a seat). It also gets easier the more you are rejected. Take it from a dater, even if I've been stupidly excited about someone, the rejection that used to take a few weeks or a few days, I'm now over in about an hour more often than not. God I sound like a such a catch right?!

Also having done the deed myself, a lot of the time, the reasons aren't even that deep. It can just be you're not excited by them, you clicked more with someone else or even you just don't want to rip their clothes off. Dating is very different to making friends, you're either all in or you're not. There's no having different partners for different reasons so I'm sorry but being the person someone is obsessed with - the odds are against you.

I recently called it a day on a really nice guy I'd been on four dates with for two seemingly shallow reasons. I'm going to get judged, but we all know I'm going to tell you anyway, One, he was shorter than me. Two, he didn't pay for one thing outright on his own in the four nights we went out - every single date was split straight down the middle.

Now I know I'm being heckled but hear me out:

1) Height

I'm not obsessed with the 6ft requirement but I do want to feel smaller than the guy I'm with. It's about feeling protected, safe and feminine. Same height is fine, stockier is fine, 5ft10 is fine, but looking down to kiss him or not being able to fall into him during, isn't a turn on for me. I'm shrugging my shoulders, because that's me and I don't care.

2) Chivalry

This isn't about the money spent. It could be a coffee and they get it, it could be popping into a shop and buying two bottles of water after a walk around the park. It could be asking you out to dinner, choosing the place and then paying the bill. Everyone watches first dates and knows how much of a no no it is when the guy doesn't offer. It does shows a lack of interest or romance. So for me it comes down to feeling like the guy I'm dating is making an effort, wants to impress me and is intrigued enough to invest in the dates we are having. If he's not even letting me offer to pay half (I always do and I wasn't even given the choice on this recent guy) it does feel like the dates are arranged meet ups that aren't romantic, special and it definitely doesn't help the spark.

Maybe it's my values too, but if a guy isn't trying to show you he likes you, impress you or treat you on the first few dates, then that doesn't bode well for the rest of the relationship. With my past relationship, it was all even financially, but he still took me out, was romantic and paid for dinner when he wanted to. I also reciprocated and treated him too. With the guy mentioned above, I got the message that this wouldn't ever happen and I just wasn't into it.

But did I tell the guy all of this? Of course I didn't and that brings me to my next point. Unless a date has been rude, then why wouldn't you let them down kindly? That doesn't mean lie to them, but there's a way to send the same message without tearing them down or telling him that their way of dating is wrong. It's not, it's just not a match with yours. With this guy, I said "I don't feel enough chemistry to go on another date" - point made and it's not personal (thank me later).

I also think the other most important part of dating is that you're fair. It's hard enough without being misleading or worse ghosting someone. I debated this with a guy friend last year who said he'd rather see those blue ticks any day than get that message. So maybe it's a difference of opinion, but to me it's short-term vs long-term pain. The message is short-term but ghosting can be long-term, especially the more you've invested into it. You are more likely to question what happened and feel hurt by the lack of consideration than someone who was fair with you.

I was ghosted last year after spending a solid two months with a guy I really liked. If you know me personally, you'll know I'm extremely laid back, easy-going and approachable (I know that sounds like a sales pitch but it's not always a good thing and I don't mean it that way, bear with me...). I'm also not confrontational, so after I spent an entire weekend with him and he just never replied to my message mid-conversation again... I was hurt. This I did take personally, unlike the "it's not you, it's me" messages because was I not even worth an explanation? Was he that scared of talking to me or that care-free about hurting my feelings?

I still don't know what happened and for a week I racked my brain replaying everything from that weekend and I came up with nothing. It was more confusing because there was nothing different in our communication afterwards leading up to the ghosting. Sometimes you just never know and for a little bit I took this one personally because he'd actually gotten to know me (Never Ever by All Saints currently playing in my head).

What was good about this situation though, is that I would never be a coward and do it to someone else. I don't think you need to have a conversation after one date, but if you've been out a few times and the other person is keen, then yeah it's fair.

So if you have just gotten a message like that and are beating yourself up, please don't take it to heart. They've messaged you which means they respect you enough to let you know, they're not a horrible person for not feeling it, and if it's only been a couple of dates, it's not anything to process. Yes it's shit, but unless you've got some seriously questionable dating behaviour, it's their problem not yours. Also one I have recently started to appreciate (and I'd recommend you adopt this view too) is that anyone who isn't interested is me is automatically unattractive to me too. Don't like me? Cool. There will be someone else who is (plus *cough* idiot! I'm joking... not really)

So finally, yes it is "it's not me, it's you", but to make you feel better I definitely think there is some truth to "it's not you, it's me" too.

Yours,

Rejected & Reflected x