I've been lacking inspiration recently. In my own little lockdown bubble and very repetitive routine of sleep, eat, work, repeat, nothing's really irked me and for the purpose of this blog, it's been annoying. So there I was a few days ago, thinking about why I'm suddenly alrite with a lot, and realising I have definitely been in a better mood lately and consistently. If you asked my flatmate he'd probably say different but I do reserve a special kind of snap for him because he's a lot for anyone to live with (he'd agree) but now it's the kind that washes straight off me as soon as I've said it, even if it stays with him. Trust me, he needs it.
Anyway back to the point because I am rambling but it is necessary to point out that I don't have 100% happy days or show a 100% happy self to everyone. I really don't want this to sound preachy, but it is about improvement so it's going to sound pretty accomplished. So to reiterate, whilst this is feel good for me, it doesn't mean I'm away with the fairies thinking I'm Miss Perfect (definitely not). Let's get into it..
You may have read (if you have sincerest thank you) my recent post on "thoughts". If you haven't, I'd recommend reading that as a prelude to this one because it will make much more sense if you have. Go. Now. If not, read it after if you want more info on any of this or even if you're just thinking "wtf is he waffling on about".
For those that have, picking up from where I last left off, I've basically been sticking with the morning journalling and meditation that I said I was going to do and I've realised this is the reason I am less irritated. I am:
Checking in with myself before anyone else and so I'm much more aware of how I'm feeling and therefore better equipped to manage it
Practicing gratitude which instantly makes even anticipating an awful day better and keeps me grounded
Setting 3 actions each day which will then make that day even better
Choosing 3 affirmations which I need to tell myself that day to make the most of whatever is going on
Intentionally practicing kindness in my personal life when I can
It's all been valuable. I'd like to think I'm a very nice person anyway (if I'm not to you, you need to ask yourself why) and don't get me wrong, it's been a particularly testing time at work recently and one which I allow people to consistently piss me off so for me to feel happier, is no small achievement. I mean you can see growth in that sentence ialready. Notice I say "I allow people to piss me off" rather than "they piss me off". I got the, I got the, I got the Power. Little Mix, get to know.
Sorry back to the point. I did without a doubt and very sadly, had the hardest day in my career last week. I had to tell over half my team (and that's a significant amount of people) that they were being made redundant because of the pandemic. People I care about, people I hired in the first place, and people I believe are some of the best in the industry. I cried 4 times that day alone and that's with me believing I'm pretty thick skinned now when it comes to work. There is a lot more I could say about it (LOADS) because it was a huge learning curve for me professionally and personally but unfortunately in this environment, right now my job means way too much to me to compromise my professionalism by sharing any of that on here. Maybe when I'm a full time writer though (grins). So forgive me for sticking to the personal stuff.
I was mulling over this lack of irritation, and how even when I am fucked off, it doesn't sit with me long enough to be write about it. It was then that I realised; I've become a lot more aware of what makes me happy and because I'm intentionally prioritising that happening more, maybe that's the reason I get over my little bitch fits and quickly?! And yes, the pandemic has helped me with that too. In real terms, daily, no matter how bad of a day I'm having, I make time to do something for myself. At it's least it will make a bad day better and at it's most, it'll make a good day, greater.
I've also really tried to be kinder all round. I think I'm a bad listener, no I know I am, so I've focused on improving that and especially really prioritising my communication with my loved ones. So when I am replying or available for a chat, I am not just paying lip service but I am intentionally trying to be there more for them in whatever it is they are sharing and in that moment. I've actually set reminders on my phone to check in with my friends weekly to make sure it happens. Life does get in the way and I 100% believe you shouldn't feel pressure to talk to your friends day in day out without it getting weird (we already know my feelings on the expectation to be instantly available) but that's not an excuse to not check in with them at all and not pull my weight. So I've put it into my plans. Furthermore not only I am trying to put more kindness into my immediate circle but also every day with the people I interact with, because that is my life. The epiphany being, I am now feeling the return on my investment.
To give you some examples from the last two weeks of kindness in action; I gave a piece of my dog's birthday cake ( judge me, i'll allow it) to the caretaker for her dog when I thought she was a neighbour because I've seen them so much in our building. This led to me learning her name, her dog's name, a full on stood up hug from her dog (who is huge) and now a friendly good morning every day. If you're from London you'll understand how that's no easy task. I've also made friends with an upstairs couple that so much so, when they saw me running to an Uber this week when my dog was sick (yes I talk about him a lot, get over it), they called me the next day to check we were both OK. Both kindness returned that I wasn't expecting. Then In terms of gratitude, no joke, I was walking home the other night and heard some girls in the opposite flats laughing and joking loudly. I actually smiled to myself about how nice that was to hear when the night before I'd watched the new documentary on Anne Frank on Netflix, and was instantly grateful for the world we live in today, pandemic and all. I mean... WHO AM I?!
I feel like a hippy peace and love kind of person all of a sudden and what's crazy is that it's all come from doing internal work, prioritising myself and practicing things that cost no money whatsoever. The saying "happiness starts with you" has never rung more true for me without sounding like a cliche self-help book. I think the other important life hack I've learned to being happier is that the journalling is helping to show myself compassion when I'm a stroppy little cow instead of giving myself a hard time about it and then feeling regret. I'm trying to learn from my mistakes instantly by recognising them, which is a win win for everyone. I'm acknowledging I'm human and getting over things quickly, and the people who know me are getting a less stroppy and improved Danielle.
The journalling has also meant that I'm trying to not repeat negative patterns because I am starting to be aware of when it's happening and take a step back to think about doing it again. Example; I've been speaking to a very hot 26 year old guy the last couple of weeks (he came at me before you call me a cougar) and it was apparent very quickly, he wants nothing more than a hook up. Totally fine of course, but I know myself enough, to know that it never makes me feel good after, even if it does in the moment, So I exercised enough self-control to swerve it by reminding myself of how I'd feel after (because I always do) as well as all the effort that us women have to go through to have sex in the first place, to decide I was not really interested in that offer enough.. despite how ridiculously fit he was. Growth baby.
I would say though, before you think I couldn't be any higher on my horse, that meditation has revealed some ugly thoughts and feelings that have made me feel bad about myself so it's not all fun and games. It's not always easy either to sit there and not let your mind run wild. Especially when 15 minutes feels like a lifetime and you know you have a lot to get done that day. My most recent uncomfortable one was when I realised that the people I can be envious of, is because I am triggered by the security they have either financially or from the support of being in a loving relationship. That's my issue. My biggest fear is not being loved completely by a person ever again or not having a permanent home. Recognising it is only half the battle because I'm never going to ever get past it unless I learn new thoughts about what life would be if I was to never meet someone and that no one is ever really safe financially (unless you're a billionaire). You could lose your job tomorrow (pandemic proven) and so I need to learn to trust myself to get myself through anything and give myself a good life no matter what... first. Then anything else is a bonus.
I do want to acknowledge that I am getting there though, which is where I think this new level (not completed it yet mate) of peace these last few weeks has finally come from. I am trusting myself to create the good in my days through the practices above and to work things out when something comes along that knocks my shit sideways. And i can take the credit for that. It's not come from age or the shit that people or life has put me through, but my commitment to working on myself. I also realised during this "wow I'm getting it" moment, that whilst I own my story so far (it's got a whole page on here and will remain there) I don't want to keep reliving it, looking back at it, or carry it with me any more. There's nothing that was in my life then, that I left behind, that should be in my life now. This is the next series. So that means not talking about it any more, experiencing new things, having new thoughts, learning new stuff and considering and sharing new ideas. New Danielle... who dis?!
So to sum up, yes I've had a bit of a mental block recently with what to share on here because I've felt stuck with not wanting to rehash anything from before and feeling more positive about what's to come. And that's when I realised this was an article in itself.
So to finish the ramble of my thoughts from the other night, I just wanted to put out there, how I'm feeling right now as a marker of the next chapter of this blog. To remember this thinking the next time I choose to snooze instead of get up, make a cuppa, listen to my calm app and set my intentions for the day. I want to remember how good this feels to remind me to keep at it, in case I do get complacent. And finally to share with you guys, that if you work at it, you can work to move on from whatever it is you feel is holding you back and become a happier you too. I know that sounds sickeningly sweet so the bitter part is that it will be a never ending job, but it's worth it. Take it from an unimpressed person... it feels good to be a little more impressed now and I'm hoping I can keep it that way.
Yours
Impressed with More Happiness x
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