Let's talk... Friends with Benefits

I've touched on this very briefly in my dating post, but I feel like I need to get more into this, because I recently kind of, almost (almost!), landed in another "situationship".

I'm going to be brutally honest and upset possibly a few people of my own gender but here goes... women do not enjoy "friends with benefits". So there, I've said it and before you get mad at me, I even ran an instagram poll to ask my immediate friends & followers what they thought and bar one woman, men were the only ones who answered yes. Was I shocked? No, not really.

I'm even going to go one further and say if you just need to get off, it's much easier and a lot of the time better (ouch!), if you give yourself a helping hand or use a vibrator. Friends with benefits, only happens for women, because they like the guy and it's not exclusive for one reason or another. You can lie to yourself and tell yourself that you really enjoy the non-committal sex, but really you enjoy it because you get to experience intimacy with a guy you actually like deep down, momentarily. If you didn't like the guy and just wanted an orgasm, why would you not just give it to yourself and not have to deal with all of the mess that comes with men. You do it because you want the cuddle afterwards as much, if not more.

In fact, for women, a real friends with benefits situation would be to take us shopping and buy us food - no strings attached. That's where women's selfish needs lie. And how often do you see that happening?! Not enough compared to all the friends with benefits situations which benefit men. If any men are reading this, and want to get into that kind of arrangement, I'm here for you!

I know first hand from my own experience of being in a "situationship" for two years, that it wasn't enjoyable but I went through it, because I really liked someone and hoped he'd eventually like me back. The validation he gave me when I did see him too was addictive. But it was only addictive because I was starved of everything else I wanted. The sex itself was sub-par. In fact the best sex I've ever had was in my long-term relationship (and I think a lot of people can vouch for this) because you get past the vanilla and really get to know each other. It was also a safe place where I could relax and know I wasn't being judged. I do think you can have an amazing, exciting one night stand, but as a woman, if you have sex with a guy more than a couple of times, biology means you're going to get attached.

Being naive and dumb, I stupidly thought I could handle what was going on. I told myself it was fun but the truth is I was crazy. You know they say, every woman has that one guy who brings out her crazy? Well that was mine and it was not pretty.

I was crazily insecure and lowering my standards further each time for a small piece of his attention. When it ended, to say I felt worthless was an understatement. It took over a year to rebuild my self-esteem. It's nothing short of being used by someone you wanted more from and yes it really fucking hurts. It hurts massively because you've shared the most intimate side of yourself with someone who doesn't care enough. He might care somewhat, but not enough. And that enough part hurts more, the longer you get to know that person and so the more of you feels rejected and you believe that their inability to see your worth, means you don't have any.

Situationships / Friends with Benefits only serve men. As I've gotten older, sex is the last goal post for anyone I like and I'm dating (I haven't had sex this year as a result) because the truth is, I enjoy dating and the build up, and I enjoy sex a lot more with someone I like. But to enjoy it, I also need all my other needs met.

I almost got into another one recently, because I started spending time with a guy I was dating for a while last year. It's a natural thing to happen again when you are spending time with someone you've already been intimate with, but it hasn't happened and I'm grateful because being honest with myself, I only spend time with him because I like him. The fact that I like him, means I would want more, the more I spend time with him, and I know he's not capable of it. I know I'd feel the shittest I've ever felt all over again if I were to put myself in that situation. I need affection, I need to be listened to, I need a cuddle, I need the person I'm spending time with, to want to spend time with me that's not just underneath the sheets, I need someone who is there for me, and I need all of that to feel like it's adding to my life and making me happy, not just some of it.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing because if I hadn't been so hurt by the one time I was in a "friends with benefits" situation, I wouldn't be so cautious of it the second time around. Wisdom means I've also learned that if you are in a situation like that, and you know you like someone, the fact that you won't tell the person you want more from them because of fear of rejection. that tells you that what you're doing isn't beneficial to you. It's only beneficial to them. You also shouldn't be sleeping with anyone you can't have a conversation with. If you can't have a conversation like that, then I doubt you're asking for what you want in bed either. So what exactly are you getting out of it?

I know I sound like an old woman, but I just wanted to say what most people won't admit. There are no benefits to friends with benefits for women. There is just one benefit for one person, while you sit in limbo land not dating someone else who wants all of you, and just sleeping with someone who won't answer anything but a booty call whatsapp.

You deserve better... friends with benefits is bullshit.

Yours,

Danielle x