I had a really hard day today and I was going to share it on Instagram but then I thought better of it because I didn't want to come across like "woe is me!", didn't want to piss on anyone else's parade or have people feel sorry for me. It's also quite a private issue and I'm not sure it's one that I wanted everyone to know about.
However I initially wanted to post it, because it's so easy on Social Media to think that everyone is having the time of their life at this time of year and it's just not true. The Christmas period is a really horrible time for a lot of people and I think it goes unsaid. I also thought that by sharing, I might let other people know they aren't alone in feeling like this, but then the thought of bringing people down before Xmas stopped me... temporarily.
I changed my mind and decided I'd blog about it instead so anyone who wants to read it can. I am doing it before Christmas too because I'm sure all of the people who are enjoying this time of year won't really be affected by this but the people who might need a "hey, I understand" moment might appreciate it, maybe? The whole point of me writing this blog was to get my feelings out too (selfish reasons) and also to share what's not always comfortable to encourage others to talk about things, be worth a read and maybe make some small positive contribution. So here it goes...
I hate Christmas. I hate Christmas at this time of my life, and I hate it because it reminds me of everything I don't have. It makes me feel alone when I wouldn't at any other time of year and I hate that I question my life because of the need to conform to a socially constructed "you must spend money and time with your family" holiday. I hate that Christmas is rammed down your throat, that you can't avoid it and you have to answer daily questions of "where are you spending it?", whether you've "got all your presents yet?", if you're prepared and the obligation to buy presents for people who insist on buying for you, when it's the very last thing you want to do because you don't want to think about the day at all.
I also hate that with Social Media, you now see every single stage of every person's run up to the big day, with grammable events such as going to Winter Wonderland, buying the tree, decorating the tree, your Christmas food shop, Starbucks Christmas cups, pre-Christmas gym sessions, matching PJs, the list goes on. Then there's the sharing of gifts you see and questions of "what did you get" followed by the awkward squirm of the asker when you say "I didn't get anything".
I also hate that I know that if I was with someone or able to share Christmas with my family, then I'd happily want to do all of the above too. I hate that I spend Christmas alone because I know what it's like to spend Christmas with the people I love, and that right now it's not possible. I hate that my Mum struggles with money and so of course Christmas isn't something she wants or can do and my Dad writes it off completely. I hate that my older siblings live far away and we barely see each other. I hate that I don't want to spend it with friends feeling like an orphan because it's awkward and it doesn't feel the same as your own family (I've spent it with friends previously and been kindly offered by friends this year too - thank you xx). But most of all I hate that I let the external pressure make me feel like this and make me tell myself I am alone. I know I'm not, I just am on this day,
I've got two days off for Christmas this year so it's no different to a chilled weekend and I love that I have a couple of days off in the middle of the week to chill at home, all cosy in my flat. But I am also constantly reminded that I'd prefer to be elsewhere and spend it differently for a really fucking long time (over a month), and I have days like today with the Christmas week ahead, where it feels heavy and hard.
I know I'm not badly off either. There are people with many more hard situations at this time of year than me. People grieving, people going through break ups, people not able to afford Christmas even if they wanted to, and people who are homeless.
I don't want to make anyone feel like they can't share their happiness either, please do. I just wanted to raise a bit of awareness that even people who may seem like they have it all together struggle at this time of year and it could be affecting anyone close to you. So if you can do anything, maybe just check in with your friends who aren't having the time of their lives and include them where you can on days surrounding the period where they wouldn't feel like a tag along; NYE, Christmas Eve, office parties, festive brunches and let them enjoy that part of Christmas instead. I do love that everyone wants to spend time together this month with the constant "we must see each other before Christmas!" but I struggle with admitting to my close friends that I don't want to talk about Christmas constantly.
I'd also recommend if you have some spare time over Christmas week to volunteer at Crisis, a charity dedicated to giving the homeless a nice Christmas, hot meals and a bed to sleep in for the period. I did it last year and it was a really lovely couple of days. You don't have to do Christmas Day or Boxing day either. Link is here: https://www.crisis.org.uk/get-involved Unfortunately I'm not doing it this year because I really need the rest.
I guess that's all, but of course I hope that for all those who are celebrating, that you do have a wonderful Christmas with your loved ones. However if you're not celebrating or having a hard time, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and it is just a day that not everyone has, so you're allowed to feel sad and you're allowed to choose not to get involved if you don't want to. I personally am taking a break from Social Media because I think that would make me feel slightly better.
Yours,
Alone but not Lonely at Christmas x
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