I've been feeling really tired for around a month and last week I actually and embarrassingly broke down and cried at work... in the staff kitchen to two of my team. I'm not a crier either so to have done it at work?! Yeah, great.
It wasn't a cry because I was sad but because I was frustrated (if I do cry, it's usually when I'm angry or empathetic - 24 hours in A&E is a killer) and it had been building for weeks. I'm used to being drowsy from the medication I take for migraines, from a bad night's sleep, big gym session, heavy weekend etc. but this had been an "in my bones tired" which no matter how much sleep I was getting, I was waking up every morning feeling like I'd been hit by a car.
I'm extremely lucky that the two people I cried on, I consider friends so they were really supportive that I was feeling overwhelmed and most probably from work. But I didn't think that was the reason and I was still frustrated because I was tired of being tired, and didn't know why. I also didn't want anyone to think I was crying because I couldn't do my job (#proud lol).
I was in Jamaica the week before and made an effort each night to get a solid 8 hours but still every day I had moments where I could not keep my head up, no matter what we were doing. We wasn't working so that was kind of the "a-ha!" moment. Being away for work with people I'd just met, it was embarrassing as well.
So back to the morning, I cried. I'd already been to the doctor's to try and get seen to there because I know my own body enough to know that something wasn't right. I had been struggling to stay on top of my game at work too and while others might not have noticed, I knew I wasn't managing the workload like I normally do; I was taking longer to get back to people, unprepared for meetings, being irritable, had snapped at my team (very unlike me - I pinky promise I'm always nice) and did not have nowhere near enough hours in day. I was annoyed that it was not effecting my job too. The doctor was going to call be back that afternoon, and I really didn't know what I was going to say other than "I'm so tired". I also felt a slight pang of guilt for even being an appointment.
When the doctor did call me the questions and answers went like this:
1) How are your periods?
I'm on the pill but I've been on for 3 weeks now after not having one for a year
2) Are you vegetarian?
No but I have cut down on meat a lot in the last few weeks
3) And how's work?
I'm not going to lie, it has been really full on and for a long time but it's nothing I haven't been used to... although I haven't had a break in a really long time.
The doctor said that it sounded like I was understandably suffering from a lack of iron and possibly anaemic and so wanted to do some blood tests. He also said that while I might think I'm coping at work, it also sounded like I was on the brink of burnout but the tests would tell us more (I'm writing this while the results are pending).
I called my Mum that night for a debrief and she said "I could honestly thump you sometimes. How many times have I told you to take an iron supplement when you've said you're tired?! I have a deficiency so you probably take after me". (Point made and finally accepted).
My boss was also super understanding. She asked me to work from home the next two days as I had the week after booked off and knowing me the way she does, knew that letting my work build up would have just stressed me out more. So at least this way, I could work uninterrupted at home, without the constant pressure cooker of the office for a little bit.
The thing is, while my Mum said I should be happy to take the two days wfh, and that I had some time off coming, when I replied with "I know but it's just not a good time to not be in the office", she told me off again with "Dan, your health is more important than work. If you dropped down dead tomorrow they'd replace you instantly. You're allowed to be exhausted and you don't have to take a break at a good time for them". I need tough love, can you tell?
So that little nugget of truth, led me to be completely honest with myself. I have been non-stop recently and I haven't had the energy to do the things that I enjoy doing; the gym, seeing friends, writing on here... all I've had energy to do is go home and watch some mind-numbing TV and sleep.
That being said, I am only responsible for myself and partly responsible for a puppy, so it's not like I could blame having a stressful time at home, 8 kids or money problems for feeling this way. How could I say I was tired when my Mum works long nights and looks after my little brother, my flatmate works 12 hour days frequently and travels long-haul back to back often without a break, the supervisor on my team has just welcomed his first baby, my friend is throwing up constantly in her first trimester of pregnancy or anyone else who has other people in their lives who they are also responsible for?
But then in the context of my life, I have been run down from a cold, just done a long-haul work trip (as lovely as it was), come straight back to work, been managing a bad run of migraines (I've just had an injection to the back of my head actually), and had a lack of iron thrown in with my unpredictable menstrual cycle AND trying to change my eating habits. Work has also been really full on for a very long time and I have been stretched as thin as I ever have. Being the manager of a large team it is also my job to keep everyone as uplifted as possible despite how I'm feeling, so yeah, I should let myself say that "I am allowed to be tired".
After speaking to my mum that night, I researched burnout because it's not something I've ever consciously considered before. The consistent message was that it's your body's way of forcing you to slow down. Your body recognises you are exhausted before your mind does. There were also many articles that burnout isn't normal and you shouldn't ever have to feel it. I am a perfectionist at work but if I couldn't do it all, no one was going to die, and I wouldn't get fired. As well as not doing it all, I had to also try not to care that I couldn't do it all.
I can't tell you how that's working out for me yet. I'm only 4 days in and I'm on leave this week but I have let my work phone die. I also finished working on Friday night with a few things outstanding and thought "another week won't make a difference". I am also going to relish the week I have off by sleeping, resting, and not doing anything I don't want to do. That means making a conscious effort to not fill it being busy doing chores I hadn't gotten round to.
The most important message that got to me though was to not compare your tiredness. If you're exhausted, you're exhausted. No ifs and buts, so don't stress yourself out even more by trying to explain it. Your body is the only thing you need to listen to.
I wrote this post tonight (Sunday) because I wanted to write again finally. I've had a lazy weekend of catching up with friends and switching off. It's also a nice little reminder to refer back to if I ever struggle with letting myself feel overwhelmed and to cut back. I also hope the fact that I'm burnt out with my not so many responsibilities means that by sharing this, you will let yourself admit you're exhausted if you're struggling too.
Life's too short to feel guilty about making yourself and your health a priority.
Yours,
Unimpressed with Burnout x
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