"Hairy Pussy Fat Cunt"
That's what a guy called me when I said I was busy on a night he wanted to come over. Shocking init? This coming from a man who Veet's his entire body and the last time I'd seen him, done exactly that in my bathroom and not cleaned up after himself (Ew). Maybe he just has a problem with hair? LOL. Or maybe (actually) he was someone who didn't deserve to be anywhere near my vagina. Now not to defend myself, because even if I had chosen to be hairy, that's completely my prerogative, but I have a landing strip (personally I don't want to feel like a pre-pubescent girl) and yet I still took a step back and thought... hold on, is my vagina offensive?!
You might have noticed I didn't even take in the part about being called "fat". That's because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm not. In fact for me at that time, I was actually half a stone lighter and feeling good about it. Of course I have days where I feel bloated, self-conscious, or not my best of course, and had he hit me with that on a different day, I might have taken more notice, but "fat" is nothing but far-fetched here. Unfit, can't run up a flight of stairs, cellulite, double chin... I'll take it, but fat?! No mate.
So somehow in my mind, I was able to completely rationalise one part of that insult as "this dickhead is cray cray" and allow my opinion to be the only one that mattered but the other part of it, I seriously questioned. I was really triggered and later once the shock subsided, I let myself get upset.
I think for me, the reason this hit a nerve, was the fact that it such a private part of a woman's body that is only seen by myself and the men I've been intimate with, so I doubted myself because how much validation have I ever really had? I have gotten over it, but it's definitely an insult I'll always remember because how many people can actually tell you what they think? I'll also remember it because it came out of nowhere, because it was so eloquently put and lastly up until then, I'd had nothing but compliments. To quote Kathy Burke in her latest channel 4 documentary "most men would shag a ham sandwich if they could" so generally, the feedback from any man that gets near that part of you, is because he wants to and he is unlikely to be anything but grateful.
But the thing is, our bodies, women's bodies, are constantly up for judgement. And so I felt like I should consider what this man thought. There's a million and one confidence coaches, female empowerment mentors and body positivity influencers that can tell you why we are scrutinised to such an extent (I won't go into it) and here I was faced with a man who was the epitome of "toxic masculinity" reducing me to my VaJJ.
My Dad told me that I'm very lucky I've not come across such a weak example of a man before (I didn't tell him what was said, just that it was abusive) because there are plenty of men out there who think nothing of this behaviour. I thank god that I've never been in an abusive romantic relationship of any kind but here I was being given a massive slap in the face, that some men are so shackled by this notion of what it means to be a man, that they think they also decide what it means to be a woman. So much so, their first line of offence is to insult a woman's body. Even a perfectly fine body, in order to cripple her and reduce her to her private parts.
Because this is my blog, I'm also going to take the time to point out how stupid this man was.
He underestimated his opponent because this insult was up against a very confident woman. It was the equivalent of turning up to a war with a BB gun. The best he had (unfortunately for him) was the most unintelligent, chauvinistic and simple comment to disarm her. And it worked... for a second. That was, until I thought about it some more (and am now blogging about it) because what else could he say? It had to be that far-fetched and absurd.
The truth is, I did not need a single thing from this man so he had no other artillery. He brought nothing to the table whatsoever apart from a good (very good ok) body. He did not have his own place, his own car, his own job or his own teeth. He did not do anything for me, no acts of service, no orgasms, he couldn't cook, wouldn't listen, couldn't engage in a conversation (past Instagram likes and comments), had no empathy, no responsibility and nothing to barter with when it came to the end. So that low was the only place he could go.
They say there are five love languages in total and he didn't speak a single one; words of affirmation (to himself yes - he compared himself to winning the lottery), quality time (he was always on his phone), acts of service (he'd ask for them instead - cups of tea, rub his back, blow jobs, cook dinner), physical acts (see previous) and receiving gifts (he paid for takeaways - I'll give him that). And yet still! He was the most entitled person I've ever met.
Now side note, you are probably reading this thinking "I just don't get why you were even dating him?" . Well firstly as previously mentioned, he was ridiculously hot but more than that, the first few times we hung out, he was genuinely lovely. He wasn't on his phone, and he was making effort; buying ingredients for us to cook together, asking questions, great kisser, funny in a goofy way and really wanting to spend time with me. (love languages falsely advertised). But it evaporated in the space of 10 days (in which I'd seen him a lot) and once he firmly put his feet under my table (I did not approve), every single thing above vanished overnight. I put up with it for another two weeks expecting the old him to reappear but when it didn't and following a whatsapp exchange where he was dismissive, I told him I was busy. Cue the angry outburst. So back we go...
This man thought that because he was beautiful he could be judge, jury and executioner on telling me that I wasn't. And because it did temporarily shake my self-confidence, it really made me think about how easy it is for women to be derailed by their body insecurities. I am seeing more and more advice being published on not commenting on women's bodies even as a compliment. "You've lost weight" for example shouldn't be given as positive praise because of what it enforces, and I have to say, I do agree.
When this man passed judgement on me, it took me coming back to myself deliberately and considering what I thought, before I could dismiss it. Had I been in a place at the time where I was heavier than usual or not already feeling good about myself, I would have really crumbled.
So I guess it just really resonated with me, that what matters most about our bodies is what we think of them, no one else. But what if I was heavier and believed I was fat, then what? Then we still have to come back to what we think about them, but it shouldn't be about how they fit. We really need to stop seeing our bodies as something here just be judged visually. Our bodies are amazing - they get us from a to b, they grow and deliver babies, they fight diseases and pain, they are the reason we can enjoy sex, a hot bath, exercise, a tasty meal, hug our friends and family, go to work or do work and yet we reduce them to just a size and number.
I'm not trying to be preachy. What my body can do is not my "go to" when I feel good about it. But it's something I think I really need to consciously keep in mind to remain unshakeable the next time a piece of shit thinks it's his right to tell me that my body is something to be ashamed of. It's also a stark reminder of how privileged any man is to get that close to your body and should be nothing but appreciative of it or he can walk out the fucking door (or pick his shit up from concierge in my case).
I am glad I weeded him out as quick as I did - 3 weeks is a record for me to go from liking someone to being repulsed by them, and it had nothing to do with his looks. And there in itself, lies the lesson. A beautiful body and yet it does nothing other than look nice. So much so, it had me asking "where's the value in that"?
Yours,
Unimpressed with Body-Shamers x
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