So I attended a wedding recently (single) and rather than the usual question of “are you single”, I was straight up asked “where’s your partner?”. I guess that’s one way of asking, but if you thought I was taken aback, you should have seen his face (yep it was a married man who asked me), when I answered “I don’t have one”. And no, before you try and make me feel better, it wasn’t a compliment.
It was quite clear it came from a place of.. “but you should be in a relationship” because of his definition of marrying age. I won’t insult anyone by guessing what that is but I guess it didn’t help that every person at that wedding was either engaged or already hitched. And to be honest at 32, pretty much every wedding I attend now, single people are the minority. And I mean, 300 to 3 minority.
I do feel the pressure to be in a relationship, of course I do, I’m human, a woman (biological clock is ticking) and in a generation where #couplegoals or “I said yes” are bragging rights on social media. I’m also not knocking people in happy relationships. When I was coupled up and happy, it was amazing (now I am going to insult a lot of people and say) but for every good relationship I have the pleasure of witnessing, I know 10 more which I wouldn’t want to be in. It’s sad to me that there is this myth that you can’t really be happy unless you’re coupled up when I see so many people who have that and aren’t.
My life right now isn’t further complicated by my boyfriend still receiving selfies from his ex-gf, my husband going on benders, having to spend weekends with boring or rude in-laws, fighting for my half of the duvet, coming home to mess I didn’t make, or asking permission to wear something. I never would (please!) but some of my friends do.
That being said, my friends who are coupled up don’t have to deal with always being the person who cooks if you want to eat, doing all the chores themselves, pure fear when a wasp is in your house and realising that you are the only person who has to get rid of it, facing the prospect of attending weddings on their own, not having that one person you can always make plans with, lack of regular sex and wanting a cuddle but not having someone to give you one. There are pros and cons on both sides.
The biggest downside to being single I personally think, is dating. I date regularly, it’s very easy and lazy these days with all of the swiping apps, but my dating sagas have become a joke. Right now I’m taking a break because I’m just over it (which inspired me to write this post). Not all have been bad guys, I’ve met some nice ones, but with all of the ghosting, unsolicited dick pics, judgement and lack of effort, I am quite happy not investing my time in that at the moment. I will definitely do another post on that too as believe me I have some stories!
Back to the point… at 32, I definitely thought I would be married by now. My last relationship at 25, was definitely on track for that, babies and all that comes with it but when it started to break down at 29 and it was making me miserable more than it was making me happy, I had to seriously think about what mattered to me in life.
30 was approaching, and thankfully there were no kids or financial ties which would have made leaving even harder. I know a lot of women, would have kept fighting for it. 4 years and all of the investment I made was hard to walk away from, but knowing what a great relationship felt like, knowing I am more than fine being single (I was until I was 25) and knowing that I had to make my mental health a priority, I didn’t deserve what it had turned into.
He wasn’t a bad guy, but the way he was treating me wasn’t a person I now thought I’d be happy sharing my life with. If I felt that way too, he deserved to be with someone else who valued him more as well.
I had to turn my idea of what would make me happy on its head. Would it be; being in a sub-par relationship just to say I’ve ticked some boxes and knew what I was doing with my life? or would it be to make the choice to walk away from what I thought I wanted, start fresh and ultimately risk it for the chance to be really happy later on? I chose the latter.
I still don’t know what I’m doing, but I take great comfort in the fact that I know the best days of my life are yet to come, I can do whatever I want when I want, and I chose not to settle. I’ve also done a lot of reading on self-love and what being happy single means. I’d recommend Chidera Eggerue’s “what a time to be alone”, “good vibes, good life” by Vex King, and “How to be happy & single” by Jennifer L. Taitz (I will link below). This last one is based on scientific fact that your happiness levels don’t change whether you are in a relationship or single – it all depends on you.
I don’t get mad when people ask me why I am single any more, instead I reply “I’m lucky”. I chose me and unless I meet someone who makes me even happier, then I’m quite alright being responsible for my happiness, myself. Even if it means suffering extreme arm ache from putting on the bottom sheet on my bed.
Yours,
Unimpressed Satisfied Singleton
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