Yeah really. I am writing this post freshhhh off rejection on one of the most triggering days of the year for singletons. Just when I thought dating couldn't get any lower for me, it did. Now I could wait a few days to write this so I have more lessons and hindsight, but fuck that. I wanted to document the anger today because as well as being reminded that I am not in love with anyone, I had my face rubbed in how single I am today and that shit hurt. Alot. An yes he is a dickhead and there is no explanation for how he's just treated me. So I'm saying so.
Now it wasn't anything serious, today was meant to be date 3. But I've been getting to know this guy for over a month now with lots of phone calls and voicenotes back and forth and two gamazing dates in the bag. The last one being 24 hours long. We just got on so well and it's been such a long time since I've been this excited about someone.
I think I'm most angry about how much I didn't see this coming. He talked a great game. He's a dad to a 7 year old girl he thinks the world of and has her with him 50% of the time. He maturely navigates the relationship with her mum and is friends with her and her husband. He has his own house, a good job, faithful to past girlfriends (from what he told me) with no foul play and at the same age as me, said he was ready to find someone to settle down with. But away from the serious chat and conveying he is a decent human being, he really made me laugh. We bounced off eachother, I could be silly with him and just out the gate of 3 months coaching, this is the first time I'd let my guard down and been 100% myself with any guy since my ex. So him being keen and sweet (and fit) despite my goofiness, made it all the sweeter.
But then the hopes came crashing down today and I ended it in tears (taken to remind myself how upset I was if he does reach out again):
I'm really annoyed with myself for letting my hopes get that high. Feeling used AGAIN as I slept with him last weekend, but mostly feeling so disrespected that I'm not even worth an explanation. This is the 2nd time this has happened to me after forming a connection with someone properly and with no warning signs. The scary thing about ghosts is, you can't see them coming.
So where do I go from here? Well I've definitely had a scolding. And a short sharp reminder that you are going to keep getting hurt until you don't. I don't want to date again right now, I need to lick my wounds and go back to focusing on myself. I've reminded myself tonight at what a catch I am and how much I should be proud of myself. For putting myself out there, for being myself, for being honest in a nice way and giving him an opportunity to have an adult conversation even if he cowered away from it. Outside of him, I am recently proud for moving my whole life to Manchester and taking a chance on a new life. I am not going to let him take the excitement of this away from me and ruin things. For meeting up with two new potential girl mates this last week and being vulnerable there too. For looking after myself and being a great mum to Frank (my dog) no matter what and with yet another hefty vet bill and being in a bad way this week. But for mostly having a great heart despite all the kicks in the teeth.
He can go fuck himself because he did miss out. Let him deal with the insecure and the crazies and someone who isn't me. Take away his niceness and he was punching anyway. Now I don't mean physically but just that I'm a sound awesome person. I'm not insecure, I don't need anything from him, I was just excited to spend time with him and have been honest about that for once. So for him to do this, knowing I just moved here, it was Valentine's Day and I've been nothing but nice to him makes him a shitty person. No excuses.
So am I going to let him know this has upset me? Over my dead body. I won't follow up with an angry text or a phone call. He doesn't deserve it. He won't hear from me again. And if he gets back in touch, I will tell him exactly what I am promising you guys... "I don't believe in ghosts so he can go back to the rock he crawled under, and leave me the fuck alone".
And yes there's a lot of "fucks" in this post. Which says a lot more for the other night with him (...let down). Not sorry.
Hey Ho, least I got a blog post out of it.
Yours,
Unimpressed with Cowards.
p.s I may follow up in a few days with a totally different outlook, but I want to keep delivering raw honest posts.
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