Let's talk... Bad Decisions

This last week I've had a lot of nightmares about a year of my life I'd seemed to conveniently forget. I'm not sure if I suppressed it, or not much good memorable events happened during it, that I'd actually just forgotten about it.

I'm fascinated by dreams and nightmares so I was mulling it over and thinking about that year, and how much has changed since. If I could go back, I would honestly hug that girl so tight. I know now that I was definitely lost and hurting. I had low self-esteem, and I allowed myself to be treated poorly by men I was dating and also friends at the time. That developed into being highly defensive in my relationships for a few years after that and some very bad permanent decisions I made as a result.

Everything combined, I've definitely done some things I've regretted. Risky texts, calling time on friendships because of harsh knee-jerk reactions, actively not participating in significant occasions such as my Graduation Ball and a friend's wedding, but also not standing up for myself enough, giving chances too many times, and internalising other people's opinions for me to the point where I was miserable.

I think positive change was really allowed to happen once I became more independent. Moving out of home, and choosing to not be effected my by parents' relationship was a big one, the acceptance I received from my boyfriend back then (warts and all) was defining too, as well as finding my people. Ultimately though it was making those mistakes in the first place. So let's talk about some of them...

1) Sending Risky Texts

Firstly my god do I regret some of the things I've sent boys! Maturity now means understanding that if you feel the need to send a sexually charged text message to get someone's attention, then it's actually never worth it. It's a gamble that you're guaranteed to lose. If they reply it's a short-lived and let's be honest, a shallow high. But if they don't reply, then eek you feel even worse! As a final nail in the coffin when I didn't get a reply from a guy I was occasionally sleeping with off and on for 2 years, it tormented me for even longer. I have forgiven myself now, even when in a similar much shorter situation since. I confess I almost got just as stupid, but trust me the high you get from telling a guy to "fuck off" feels even better. So it's now my go to if I find myself losing brain cells again...

2) Taking on my parents baggage as my own

While you want to see your parents happy, it's taken me a long time to realise I am not responsible for that. It's not my job to fix their mistakes, mother them, or put their well-being before my own. It wasn't something I could remove myself from when I was dependent on them both but when I felt they were making mistakes after I was no longer living with them, I had to learn to let them get on with it. Both my parents have grown so much since then and we're all in such better places now, but I still feel at times very protective of my Mum especially. She is my best friend in the whole world, and I also know that she wants me to be happy more than anything else which is a luxury not everyone has, so I have to be selfish and believe that. Especially if I'm going to be.

3) Not communicating and being absent instead

I'm a stubborn cow. There was a period when I felt like I was an after thought with my circle of friends at the time following a build up of small non-significant incidents. Rather than express how I was feeling (like a grown up), I threw my toys out of the pram and decided I wasn't going to attend the graduation ball with them all. I did it knowing my absence would be felt. Really fucking stupid if you ask me now. Those memories would have been worth an actual conversation.

I didn't learn my lesson though because I did the same things years later by choosing not to attend a wedding. Myself and two others were unfairly mistreated by the bridesmaids during the hen do, and again rather than choose to not care what they thought, I chose not to attend my friend's wedding and not put myself through the awkwardness of the day. I was annoyed by my friend for not standing up for us, but I also didn't want to bring drama to her day. I did text her the day after the wedding but I should have definitely let her know weeks before that I was upset and thinking about not coming, instead of doing that no-show. It's fair to say, we've never spoken since, and I own that.

4) Forgiving and forgetting too easily

Forgiving is always a good thing. It's always going to bring you peace and I do understand that. My issue is that I really do forgive so I then give too many chances. I tell myself that this is partly a good trait because I choose to see the good in people and believe there are some people that are sorry and will change. However as I've gotten older, I've also realised you have to consider someone's character. If someone's a narcissist, they aren't saying sorry because they are, they are saying sorry so they have access to you again and can manipulate you. Also if a guy isn't saying sorry and tries to gloss over it again to have access to you, again you don't have to accept it.

I'm trying hard now to find the balance between the two. Communicating and not making permanent decisions on how I'm feeling temporarily and also recognising that some people won't change because that's just the way they are. If it's complicated and you can't remove that person from your life because of other circumstances, you can choose to decide how you feel about them and how much you let them in. Like work colleagues, you can learn to co-exist but you wouldn't invite them out for drinks after a shift. This doesn't make you a fake person or two-faced, it makes you an adult doing the best you can to manage that person's presence in your life.

5) Expecting you from other people

I've got hurt unnecessarily in the past, by assuming people think the same way I do or assuming people will understand that I wasn't doing anything maliciously... feeling misunderstood or that I shouldn't have to explain myself. That's wrong. Sometimes people do need to understand where you're coming from, even if it gives you the peace of mind that you've tried. Expecting people to be mind-readers never works.

I lost a very good friend because of this. I assumed she knew why I was mad at her, but she wasn't. By the time I was ready to broach the subject, I'd left it so long that I'd done damage by not wanting to have a conversation with her sooner. I also let other people cloud my judgement. People that didn't know her, told me what she thought of me and I believed it. I wish now, I hadn't handled it this way and I went straight to her instead. She was left hurt that I assumed the worst of her, by judging her unfairly by how I would have behaved, and she chose to not be friends with me as a result.

Now I know that everyone doesn't have the same heart as you but that doesn't mean they mean badly. There are a million reasons why someone has a different outlook on life to you, different morals, different values, different ways of interpreting things and that's OK. I have learned to stop expecting and hoping people to react the same way I do. You find your people,and that definitely helps. People that understand you, learn to understand you, care about you and so care about how you feel, and that's what's important. But I've also learned to take responsibility for explaining myself to an extent and judging people more by their intentions and not their actions. There's also going to people who never understand you, so there's only so much you can try.

6) Saying Yes instead of No

I am getting so much better at not bowing to peer pressure. Ranging from not drinking alcohol, to not going to something I don't want to go to, not agreeing to go on a date with a guy just because he's nice and asks enough times and even choosing to trust myself, my judgement and my experience over what someone at work tells me to do in my own role, simply because they hold a more Senior Position. And I think learning all of this has translated into showing up every day as a more genuine person.

Do you know how many times I've suffered a migraine because I wasn't brave enough to let my friends judge me for not drinking? Do you know how many times I've felt burnt out at work because I agreed to go to another hotel event rather than going home, because I felt like I had to? (and I didn't have to). Do you know how many times I've dealt with the backlash of other people's decisions when I've gone against what I knew was right?! Do you know how many times I've found myself explaining to a guy that I don't like, that actually I'm not that interested because I felt like I should at least go out with him once rather than turning down a nice guy? Enough to not do it anymore.

No is a complete sentence, but it's also saying yes to yourself and not other people.

So thinking all of that over, I think the biggest reflection on thinking and writing about it, is that if you change, grow, mature, and forgive yourself for past mistakes, then other people are doing the same too I think there's a tendency for us to not give other people the same grace. There's really no point social media stalking a toxic ex or toxic ex-friend for example, for that reason. You are pigeon-holeing them in your mind to a person they probably aren't any more and judging them or yourself against the past. I'm not saying that's a reason to bring them back into your life but it is a reason to let go of any resentment. They are allowed to change too.

To sum up, yes, there are some permanent consequences for past actions that you can't fix but that doesn't mean you need to be held hostage by them. So please... Let it go, let it go! (Elsa singing voice), and know that it's OK to tell yourself you're not that person any more, you're better, that they're not that person any more, and you don't know each other any more, and move on. Take the lessons with you and forgive the old you for not knowing any better. I promise you, every situation you've ever regretted has made you the person you are now, and the even more amazing person you will be.

Yours,

Bad Decisions A'plenty x