So I was having a funny conversation with someone recently when on their round of questioning they asked me "what advice would you give to yourself when you were 20?" and I was stumped. For a second.
I didn't actually know where to start and I didn't really know what to address. So I gave a half considered answer and it's been bugging me ever since.
Now apologies in advance, because I've touched on some of this already in different contexts, but it's so necessary for this thought process...
Twenty itself wasn't one of my best years. It was a year of a lot of change. I was in my first year of university, I'd just lost my nan, my Mum was awol, my Dad wasn't coping, I was living away from home for the first time, I'd just started getting migraines and still didn't know what they were, and I was trying to form friendships and learn all of the life skills I didn't yet have; cooking, washing, food shopping etc. - basically being a full operating adult on my own.
I struggled that first year in uni too because the 6 randoms I was living with, I didn't relate to at all and I was trying to not show I was affected by what was going on back home. Little did I know the hardest years were still yet to come...
My first episode of depression, a couple of situationships which would make a huge dent in my self-esteem, and being signed off work from stress and exhaustion following a pathetic attempt to overdose. I'd also be treading on eggshells around my Dad after he would learn that I was now in contact with my Mum and that she'd just had a baby after an affair. My Dad would also turn to drugs and alcohol as well as taking my money whenever he needed. He would also go to prison for 2 years and I wouldn't speak to him the entire time because I'd learn a day after he was arrested that we were going to be evicted that weekend from not paying the rent. I'd live at home during my placement year (not with friends like everyone else) to pay that said rent with my 21 year old brother and look after my 12 year old brother, before losing my bedroom due to my mum's expanding family. In came the sofa sleeping. I would build a relationship with her partner (who she'd had the affair with), be kicked out of my Dad's with less than 24 hour's notice because he wanted to move his leech of a girlfriend in, instead (he'd known her 8 days), and I'd continue to work in London at the weekends to support myself at uni in Bournemouth. After uni my Mum's boyfriend would attempt to kick me out after I'd find out he was trying to take my Mum's tenancy (I then voluntarily left and moved in with my ex).
I'd experience quite a few friendship break ups and I was also going to go through a massive, long, drawn-out relationship break up after being asked to move out and then cheated on. This would result in me living with two witches for 9 months who looking back definitely gaslighted me A LOT. It would also transpire that they had lied to me about the rent contract (turns out I didn't have one although I signed something) before demanding I move out earlier then I'd plan to. They would say this is because they didn't want me to be there while they were on holiday although really it was because they would be pissed off that I would want to finish my "contract" and move in with my best friend. Always going to happen after learning what nasty pieces of work they were. Yeah it was a lot.
In my twenties I'd also fall in love, have the best three years with him, enjoy the summer of a lifetime working in Magaluf, travel more than I could have ever hoped, excel in my career, have the best time at uni, rebuild my relationships with my parents so they were healthy and had boundaries, but importantly gain lots of amazing new friends, learn who my real friends and chosen family are.
I know the above sounds like I'm exaggerating but no joke, there definitely more. Maybe I should write a biography?
Anyway! The point of this article. So what advice would I give that 20 year old naive, trusting and let's be honest, emotionally dumb girl. I'd start by saying that it always gets better. There's always good even when there's awful things happening around and to you. That you are going to laugh hard throughout the years and really hard, can't breathe, belly-ache laugh. That you're never going to be interested in drugs, that migraines are a fact of your life and you will be an expert at moving house. Also that second overdraft and credit card is not a good idea - you won't even remember how you spent it.
You are going to be strong beyond belief, and gain confidence in knowing that you always get yourself through whatever life throws at you. That there are so many beautiful people in the world that seem to show up in your life, just when you need it and that every thing happens for a reason. That taking your life is never the answer, that depression is an illness, it's not self-induced, it's not selfish, it's nothing to feel guilty for or ashamed of and it's not going to always be circumstantial.
That your parents are human and humans make mistakes. That everyone is doing their best with what they're given and that nothing is ever personal and the way people treat you, says more about them than it does about you. That you're brave for still choosing to be as kind, as fair, as forgiving and to do the right thing whenever you can. That not everyone is meant to be in your life forever but that doesn't mean that what you shared wasn't real or worth it.
To always judge people by their intentions and not just their behaviour. You'll be surprised how much you can get over with that in mind. That you would be beaming with pride about how far you've come and how much you've handled now at 33. In fact yours 30's are going to be so much better than your 20's and that's without even being that far into them.
That you're not a victim and you could definitely have handled some things differently, but please don't beat yourself up for it as long as you did. That age is a good thing and that you do get hotter (just telling it like it is - there was a reason I never posted the 10 year challenge!).
That you don't deserve being mistreated, to be a back up option or to ever question your worth (and the sex was mediocre - you'll have better). That men aren't going anywhere, there will always be another one and unless you've built a special connection (and even that's with its conditions), then seriously.. next. That no friendship is perfect and to try not to dismiss all the good for a bad mistake. That unfortunately people do change. There's going to be a few different versions of you over the next 13 years and the same goes for other people too.
That being content single is just as good as being in a secure relationship, because other people don't make you happy. But finally that you're not stupid. In fact you're far from it. So trust yourself more, take every opportunity you get, know you're exactly where you're meant to be and you'll still get to exactly where you need to be; a great fucking woman.
So to whoever's reading this, I challenge you to ask the same question of yourself and think about how you would answer it. I promise you, realising how far you've come, is a massive confidence booster. It's also a great way to feel excited about how much more there is to happen and why we're so lucky to get another chance day after day.
Yours,
Danielle x
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