Let's talk... Dating

So after my last blog post, I had a look at all the articles I’ve written so far and I thought... “I must sound like a right moany cow”. So the next post HAS to be light-hearted. Don’t get me wrong, you are going to judge me, but then sometimes the most fun articles let you do that. And we’ve all been there so I hope you enjoy the break from discussing heavy subjects. So with that being said, let’s talk dating! 

I always planned on writing this one so I really hope this makes you laugh even if it’s just once because otherwise my dating sagas are even more sad than I first thought and haven’t even served this purpose (straight face). I was scared to post this too, so that means I hope you are laughing with me and not at me. Thank you very much. 

Right where shall I start?! Maybe with a few keywords to pique your interest. So I’ll be talking; dick pics, camel toe, curry breath, ghosting, being catfished, ex-footballers, friends with benefits, being two-timed (and going savage on exposing him), dating a guy with bipolar unknowingly and learning my lesson to not get smashed on the first couple of dates. 

I mean... there is more (including liking two best friends at the same time - I was younger OK?, dumped the day after Valentines, being a rebound, a summer fling, accidentally dating a friend of a guy I used to see, and coming home with £300 in my back pocket after a casino date spending money that wasn’t mine) but let’s not give away all the goods. 

I’m going to conceal any names mentioned too because I’m nice like that. I will also try my very best to not sound like I've been around the block (because I haven’t and I’m not that successful) and I’m also going to talk about pre and post tinder times because I’ve had the pleasure and pain of both. Mostly though, I’m going to be brutally honest. 

Here we go (eek!)...

Up until the age of 25 I was a single pringle... partly due to being painfully shy when I was younger around anyone and everyone and especially shy around anyone I thought was attractive (full disclosure -  I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19...told you it’s honest) But then once my confidence grew in general I also had other priorities. It definitely didn’t help that I’d had a few knock backs with my first dalliances in romance and so it took a while to work out what I should do when I liked someone. 

On top of that, as mentioned in other articles, I grew up with 3 brothers (now I have 4) and most of my friends would say you can tell. Not that I’m a burping, farting lad (although I can burp the alphabet) but while I am a complete girl about some things I can be very black and white about others (my Dad has no tolerance for taking your time to get to the point) and I behave around guys in a way that isn’t consciously considered. A guy I was dating once actually said “you’re not very feminine. I don’t mean in the way you look but in the way that you are.” I’m still not sure how I was meant to take that? 

I’ve also always had guy friends and not in the way that it’s code for “I dislike girls and like attention off men” but that I have guy friends and am super close to my female friends too. Now I’m completely generalising when I say this, but when I was younger and so interacting with younger guys, I don’t think I was easy to work out because I was shit at flirting and took so much at face value. But then again for that same reason, I also trusted way too easily and you guessed it, got played. 

The first guy I was involved with was naturally a friend of mine who I spent a lot of time with before he told me he liked me. I wasn’t as keen on him being honest but beggars can’t be choosers so I thought let’s see what happens. It wasn’t long until I got bored and when I found out there was another girl on the scene who really liked him, I pretended I was taking the moral high ground by walking away from it when really it was an excuse to not have to feel any guilt whatsoever about cutting it off (we all grow guys!). 

Then when I was at uni, I briefly fancied a guy who lived next door but then he starting going out with my housemate so that was lovely... although the joke is we’ve been out together since graduating (she cheated on him) and I just haven’t been able to get past feeling like sloppy seconds and his 2nd choice to want to go any further with it, even though he's a great guy. We’re still social media friends now and he’s probably going to read this so I hope he will now stop asking me out because there’s only so many times I can keep saying no and explaining it. No seriously. 

I then just enjoyed uni. I definitely found my groove here and there were a couple of guys I dated but none seriously. 

In the 2nd year I met the next guy I really liked while on a night out back home in London on NYE. He was 5 years older than me (I was 21 at this point) and while I liked how he was with me that night and thought he was attractive I wasn’t initially sold. This is when my naivety came in because he continued to pursue me with phone calls and attention I’d never really had before which wasn’t sexual to begin with so I started to really like him and think I was special (*cough*).

We got on very well and clicked humour wise. This all came crashing down though when 5 months later he started getting distant, and so I sent him a text saying I felt like he couldn’t be bothered anymore. In response his girlfriend then called me off an unknown number. 

Being the trusting person I am (or idiot, however you wanna call it) when she asked me “so you’ve been seeing my boyfriend?” I still innocently thought she must be the girlfriend of a guy at work who had my number (as mentioned - guy friends) that I answered “well who’s your boyfriend?” honestly not thinking it could be my guy. 

I was gutted to say the least. I did actually really like him and it made the last 5 months a complete lie. Also I’m not a complete idiot because I’d like to point out I’d met his friends and his mum already (she didn’t like me, go figure!) so there was a whole conspiracy going on which I would never have been able to call. 

He then called me off his gf's phone and spoke to me like absolute shit in a way I’d never heard him before and called me a liar. So how did Danielle react? Well obviously I texted her a very detailed description of his bedroom including where he kept the condoms. Suck on that *David. (Still proud of that one)

They did eventually end but it didn’t stop her sending me a long text blaming me for stealing her boyfriend and that she hopes someone hurts me the way I’d hurt them. She redeemed herself though because a few months later she called to apologise because she knew I didn’t know whereas the other 3 girls he’d been involved with all did. What a wanker. 

I then met a guy at uni who was DJ'ing at our student club for one night only and fell into a lust which I can only explain as “it made me crazy, insecure and stupid”. He lived in Eastbourne, I lived in London and we’d meet up in Brighton and sometimes in a hotel in London if he had a gig. It was just one thing but I wanted more (of course) so I naturally acted completely cool with the occasional meet ups over 2 years on his terms until I was finally dismissed after he met a girl 7 years our junior. I was 25 at this point. 

In between this dance, I’d also done a summer in Magaluf and fell for an equally unavailable guy who had a roster of girls. The two situations combined meant that my self-confidence was at rock bottom and I did sadly feel worthless. It's still character building though and if you think I now put up with this shit then you clearly haven’t read my “About” section friend.

I then dated a guy who I met from an earlier job (also older than me) who had bipolar. When we worked together before, I was 16, he was 21 and I had such a huge crush on him that the first time he spoke to me properly, I went home that night and danced so hard to Blazin Squad’s “flip reverse it” that I dislocated my knee. By the time I was back at work, he’d been sacked but fast forward 9 years and the wonder of Facebook meant he asked me out over messenger and the 16 year old Danielle inside me screamed in excitement. While we were dating I had no idea he had bipolar so after dating a couple of months, it did hurt when he’d asked me to be his girlfriend and then disappeared off the face of the earth.

A month later my now ex boyfriend came along (we met through friends) and put right some wrongs and I built my self-esteem again. It was also extremely easy, straightforward and honest and so I am grateful even now that he has taught me how it should be....FROM.THE.START (saying it loud for the people at the back).

The bipolar guy then came back a couple months later and you can imagine my glee when I told him I had a new boyfriend so soz not soz (smug and winning). 

After my ex, I was now in the world of tinder, bumble and disposable dating. This combined with feeling a lot of anger towards my ex, I went on quite a few dates for a couple of months because I was like a kid in a candy shop. 

It wasn't all good of course. I met up with an ex-footballer and the date didn’t get off to best start when I told him how much I hated football before he told me what he did (Lols). I got completely smashed on cocktails on a night with a very attractive man because I was so nervous that I had to buy my flatmates’ wine and chocolate the next day for keeping them up all night. You can read between the lines here and I’m not entirely sorry about this one. Plus I was going through a break up OK? And I also went out with a guy who was a complete catfish, had the audacity to complain about people who don’t look like their photos and then pretty much face raped me with his curry breath before burping in my face (I was too nice to say no when he stood an inch from my face past the point of awkward). Was it any wonder I wanted to give my ex boyfriend another chance?! 

After that stint the dating saga of the last two years has been in full swing. Except this year has been pretty much inactive because I have been SO over the weird / poor / inappropriate behaviour. I have met some lovely guys over the last two years (of course) but none have been quite for me or the feeling wasn’t mutual (yeah rejection is still a fucker).

I’ve also had a few more “why can’t it just be straight forward????” Moments. This has included; a guy who wouldn’t meet up for a drink until he had confessed that he had a fetish for camel toe, and would like for me to turn up wearing really tight trousers to show I accepted it....

....

Just giving you some time to digest that one.

I actually asked one of the guys at work if this was a thing, and in hysterics he reassured me that “no it definitely was not”. I mean I’ve been objectified before but down to my vaginal shape was a new one (I couldn't make it up).

I also went on a few dates this year with a lovely guy who then sent me a photo of him watching a film, with the caption “looking forward to what the next one has in store” before I clicked the photo open and saw his floppy fish laid across his lap. Like, No. Just no.This was the last date before a good 6 month break this year.  

The other guy I went on two dates with at the beginning of this year also went AWOL and then told me he was going through a divorce and wasn’t over his ex so it couldn’t continue *Sighhhhh*

So I am starting to question my own behaviour now. How on earth do I “choose” these men and if this is the scale of what I’m working with, are the normal ones even normal?! I have heard women are just as bad and I know a few too, so honestly you coupled up people who are with someone you like have got it SO good. 

Therefore it's only right for me to end this by saying; if you could spare a thought for us non-crazy singletons who are out here on the dating minefield, that would be appreciated. Also please try to sympathise with us that it’s hard work to get to the good stuff instead of giving unsolicited advice of “maybe you should do this next time” because that would really help to take the edge off. 

Also pray for me. It’s strange out here. 

Yours Unimpressed with Dating x